


The Ring Bearers

by Two_Guns_And_A_Knife



Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-16
Updated: 2012-08-16
Packaged: 2017-11-12 06:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 69
Words: 24,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/487679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife/pseuds/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is that a ring on his finger?  Is that a wedding ring?  The Man of Mystery is married?  To WHOM?  Theme Songs: "Wrapped Around Your Finger" by the Police and "Emotion in Motion" by Ric Ocasek.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: The One Ring

**Prologue: The One Ring**

Everybody froze as if hypnotized. _Is that a ring around his finger?_

It was not something fancy, just a simple yet elegant platinum ring, standing out against his caramel dark skin. They wanted to but dared not ask. They all knew him but not that well. So they just held their breath and discreetly kept on glancing. No, they definitely didn't want to be caught peeking. It would be beyond embarrassing. They prayed and hoped some of their most daring, dauntless colleagues would be brave enough to ask the question. Soon, the man in charge of the front desk ran out of every kind of excuses and delaying tactics, and had no choice but to hand over the body receipt. With the ease and grace not unlike a tiger or a panther, he left the building and drove away. The police officers and detectives looked at each other, but none had an answer to that unasked question.

_Is that a wedding ring?_


	2. Chapter 1: Vilya, the Ring of Air

**Chapter 1: Vilya, the Ring of Air**

They watched the lovely young woman with wild brown curls and turquoise blue eyes like a pack of vultures eyeing their prey. They peeked. They stared. They squinted. When they finally saw her hand, they couldn't help but gasp. They always knew there was something between those two. They wanted to ask but were afraid to. They lowered their heads and held their breath. They prayed and hoped those who had known her since childhood would step up and ask the question. Again the man in charge of the front desk ran out of every kind of excuses and delaying tactics, and had no choice but to hand over the body receipt. She waved happily at them and left the building. Her crappy car coughed out puffs of smoke like a giant squid shooting ink. The police officers and detectives looked at each other in disbelief and wonder, but none had an answer to that unasked question.

_How come there was no ring around her slender finger?_


	3. Chapter 2: The Seven Rings of the Dwarves

**Chapter 2: The Seven Rings of the Dwarves**

They'd all seen the ring around his finger, and they all knew how and when to keep their silence. They fixed their eyes on the monitors. They slammed scums and criminals into walls. They delivered dangerous, violent FTAs to the police. They patrolled and protected their clients' property. They chewed their healthy, nutritious salads and sandwiches. They kept their blank faces on. They didn't flinch or relent even when their ferocious neon gold-haired ex fiancée cornered them with a nail filer in the bonds office.

He was their brave, wise, fierce, generous and dedicated leader, and they feared, respected and loved him like no other. Oh yes, they all knew who had gone to Vegas and slipped that ring around his finger. But they would not tell. Their lips were sealed.


	4. Chapter 3: The Nine Rings of the Nazgûls

**Chapter 3: The Nine Rings of the Nazgûls**

The tall hairy detective peeked out from the dark shady corner. _Yes, there's no ring around her finger!_ He danced back into his small office, giggling like a happy hyena. _So that crazy bastard is married to someone else? **Finally!** _ He did another happy dance, patted his jacket pocket to make sure the little red velvet square box was still safely in there, picked up his phone and dialed the pizza place, and then ran out of the building as fast as a tornado.

He appeared shortly at her door with one steaming gooey cheesy pizza, half a dozen beer and his trademark melted chocolate eyes. His keys still worked. Her old safety chain, as usual, was a joke. And he let himself in with a smirk like a drooling opportunistic scavenger. He called out her name in a most seductive voice but got no response. He could hear the shower running. He put his gifts on the kitchen counter and winked at the chubby hamster. "I'm gonna be your daddy, slugger." And he started undressing and walking toward her bathroom, smiling widely. Just some mind-blowing sex and a whispered "Cupcake, will you marry me?", and she would be his.


	5. Chapter 4: Narya, the Ring of Fire

**Chapter 4: Narya, the Ring of Fire**

The two-bit lawyer generally known as the Clown screamed, screamed, and screamed. But he did manage to hit the naked, furry intruder repeatedly on his head with the mop and knock him out cold in between screaming. He nimbly jumped over the unconscious limp body on the bathroom floor, rushed into the living room and called 911.

He had been kicked out (Yes, again) by his furious wife for saying the most improper things at the most improper time (No, he would rather die to repeat it, thank you very much). He'd been staying in his sister-in-law's apartment for six days now and was really grateful for her generosity. He didn't mind to take care of her hamster and clean up this place for her. But, to be honest, single young women today definitely needed to put more attention, time and effort in the aspect of house cleaning. It'd nearly taken him two whole hours to sweep, scratch and mop the floor under her bed squeaky-clean. And he'd been washing the mop with hot water under the shower for the sixth time when the burglar had broken in and wrapped two hairy arms around him from behind.

He shuddered and shivered as he remembered the unpleasant feeling of hard, rough stubbles and warm lips brushing against his neck. He still felt like puking even though there'd been, thankfully, a layer of the new half transparent blue shower curtain between their bodies...Yikes, he would have to buy his sister-in-law another thank you gift. He blew out a sigh, sat down calmly in the crappy couch and waited patiently for the cops to arrive.


	6. Chapter 5: The Riders of Rohan and the Mouth of Sauron

**Chapter 5: The Riders of Rohan and the Mouth of Sauron**

The four members of Trenton's Finest and the two EMTs tried all their might but still couldn't stop snickering. B & E plus attempted sexual assault on the Clown? Oh Joseph, really? After a ton of not so subtle implies, the most unprofessional lawyer on the whole East Coast finally caught the drift and agreed to let the burglar who had sustained lots of ugly bruises and a minor concussion off the hook: under the condition that he returned the keys to his ex-girlfriend's apartment and promised not to break in again while she's staying with someone at somewhere else. **_Ex-girlfriend?_** Six pairs of eyes bulged hungrily as the half naked detective froze on the hard cold floor. ** _Staying with someone at somewhere else?_**

In the glass aquarium on the kitchen counter, the hamster chewed on a piece of his pricey organic hamster treats and rolled his eyes. Yes, you could always trust that tall hairy alpha-male wannabe to be stupid enough to miss all the signs. And the Clown and that big mouth of his...the hamster shook his head disdainfully. Of course he knew where and whom his mommy had been staying with for the past six days. But, no, his lips were zipped and he was absolutely not telling.


	7. Chapter 6: My Precioussssss

**Chapter 6: My Precioussssss**

It lay in the cool soothing darkness waiting, till a warm hand reached in and picked it up, toying with it.

It was not something fancy. No diamond, ruby, emerald or even sapphire. It was just another simple elegant platinum ring, cold and smooth to the touch, exactly like the one that stood out so perfectly against its wearer's Mocha Latte skin. Who would have thought such a plain little thing contained so much power? It represented a feeling so deep and compelling that it itself was almost frightening. And now it had made all the people in this city go crazy.

Soft lips brushed against it briefly before the hand placed it back gently. Once again, the ring lay safely in the cool, soothing darkness, waiting.


	8. Chapter 7: Arwen Undómiel and the Balrog of Morgoth

**Chapter 7: Arwen Undómiel and the Balrog of Morgoth**

Young, middle-aged and old men and women peeked out from behind curtains, plants and binoculars excitedly. They sure loved living on the same street as this family. You never got bored, and would always have first-hand access to the most interesting news and stories. The younger daughter of their neighbor got out of her giant squid of a car and walked toward her parents' front door. Her grandma picked up and examined her left hand hurriedly. The young woman rolled her eyes while her mother crossed herself and kept on nagging.

Where the freaking heck was her ring? The crowd couldn't stop wondering. On a chain around her neck, just like in the Peter Jackson movies? Those who equipped with the binoculars soon signaled negative. The Naked Burglar was already out of the picture. Too bad he was the last one in the whole East Coast to know it, huh? So she must be staying with her extremely delicious Mocha Latte Man of Mystery. Maybe it was hidden in the safe in his office building? No way! They did a collective mental head slap. What was the point of a wedding ring if you hid it away instead of wearing it?

The people of the street were just about to have a collective migraine when they saw in the corner of their eyes a familiar car arrive. Trenton's own Clueless Joe jumped out of his SUV and rushed to the girl who was no longer his. He waved his arms, yelled at the top of his voice and then dropped down to his knee suddenly. Everyone gaped as he took a little red velvet square box out of his jacket pocket and tried to slip the ring inside onto her finger and consequently got stun-gunned by the irritated girl. She then gave her gaping mother and cackling grandma a little finger wave and slowly escaped in her really, really eco-unfriendly car.

The proud citizens and pillars of the Burg snapped back into attention and acted immediately. Five minutes later, via Twitter, Facebook and whatever social media channels in the universe, the news swept through the whole country.


	9. Chapter 8: The Land of Shadow

**Chapter 8: The Land of Shadow**

**Now let's turn back the clock to 7 days ago.**

She woke up at five thirty-eight in the morning with an irresistible longing to drive into the rising sun or moon or whatever planet to a place where nobody knew her and started her life anew. She was seriously tempted to jump out of her bed and start her journey right away, but she knew her current crappy car would never make it that far. Even if it did somehow miraculously make it, she knew she would miss him like hell and would probably run all the way back here just to wrap herself super tight around that perfect mouth-watering body while taking another sniff of his unique heavenly scent. She rolled her eyes, grabbed her bag, fed her pet and jumped on the train for a day's trip in the Big Apple instead.

She walked down New York's streets without specific destination, enjoying the eerily comfortable feeling of losing herself in the unfamiliar crowd as well as the exotic food and drink bought from various vendors. She browsed the windows of the shops and stores and stood still as something shining caught her eyes. She was deeply attracted by what she saw. She could almost hear it whispering her name. Her eyes went glazed and a far away smile blossomed on her face. Then she went into the cozy little jewelry store without hesitation.

She smiled happily to herself on the train back home. She knew from the bottom of her heart this beautiful ring would fit his finger perfectly.


	10. Chapter 9: The Fighting Uruk-hai and the Siege of Gondor

**Chapter 9: The Fighting Uruk-hai and the Siege of Gondor**

She smiled happily to herself on the train back home. She knew from the bottom of her heart this beautiful ring would fit his finger perfectly. It would be his late birthday and early Christmas present as well as the ideal token of their lov...um, friendship. She was more than thrilled that for once, she was finally able to give him something valuable. From bullets, food, guns, cars, instruction, shelter, protection, to help and support, he had never hesitated to give her whatever she needed. And she was not happy with the fact that she'd almost always been on the receiving end of their relationship. Yes, she'd helped and put herself in risk for him a few times, but he'd tried to give his own life to save her. And she didn't even have the decency and courage to tell him she loved him...

 _So now what?_ She winced as a nasty little voice popped up in her head and interrupted rudely. _We just sit around and wait for the perfect chance to tackle him to the floor, grasp his hand and force the ring onto his finger and then wake up the next morning in a freaking third world country? He doesn't do stupid things like marriage and babies, remember? And how about Joe? What do you plan to do with him? You don't think he will just disappear in a cloud of fairy dust, do you, Miss Einstein?_

Great, now she was starting to have a headache. She rested her head against the window of the train and closed her eyes in frustration. She had absolutely no idea how come nothing in her life had ever been easy. _Alright, I'll think of something._ She promised herself earnestly. _I swear I'll think of something!_

But the annoying little voice in her head just snorted.


	11. Chapter 10: Fly, You Fools!

**Chapter 10: Fly, You Fools!**

She promised herself earnestly. _I swear I'll think of something!_ But the annoying little voice in her head just snorted. She blew a sigh and tried to sleep off all her worries. Her eyes snapped open suddenly 5 minutes later and she started giggling. Why would she worry about having to force the ring onto his finger? It was just a ring of friendship, remember? It was not a token of love and commitment! It had nothing whatsoever to do with marriage or babies! It was nothing more than a simple birthday and Christmas gift! There was no need for him to wear it on his finger at all. He could always put it in his safe or drawer or somewhere, or just wear it on a chain around his neck like that cute Frodo Baggins in the Peter Jackson movies if he felt like it. Right? Right! She smiled happily to herself. And as to Joe, she shrugged casually, well, she could always think about their absolutely-not-going-anywhere unhealthy relationship tomorrow.

She danced into her apartment humming "New York, New York", twirled around a couple times and dropped the two bags of assorted Hershey's chocolates she had thankfully thought to buy on the kitchen counter, and somehow miraculously didn't scream and jump out of her skin when the familiar sexy masculine voice sounded not two inches behind her. "That stuff will kill you, Babe."

In the glass aquarium, the chubby hamster kept on chewing the super delicious pricey organic hamster treats brought by his tall dark handsome muscular pack leader and rolled his eyes. When would his mommy learn to be more aware of her surroundings already?


	12. Chapter 11: Frodo Baggins, Alone on the Bridge of Khazad-dûm

**Chapter 11: Frodo Baggins, Alone on the Bridge of Khazad-dûm**

"That stuff will kill you, Babe." Slowly and deliberately he took a step forward, cutting the distance between them to zero, wrapped a wild crazy curl around his finger and gave her a barely there smile. Surrounded by the warmth and scent of the man she herself didn't know she loved so much, she suddenly remembered how safe and content and cared and loved she always felt around him. Her heart skipped a beat or two (or three maybe?) and nearly melted. He gave her a soft, tender, feather light kiss on the lips and his 200 Watt smile materialized like the mysteriously mischievous Cheshire Cat. "Did you enjoy your trip?"

Of course he knew where she'd been. She sighed to herself. He knew everything about her, everything. _Oh yea, girlfriend,_ y _ou'd better start praying he doesn't know nothing about his ring!_ The terrible shrill little noise in her head laughed like crazy. _Just do it now before it's too late! Throw yourself into him, knock him to the floor and put the ring on him. And then tell him not to worry, it doesn't mean anything! It's not about love, trust, and commitment! It's nothing but a stupid token of the purest of pure friendship between you! It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that you LOVE him like there's no Halloween! Come on! What are you waiting for? Just lie to his face before he tells you again he doesn't do relationship!_

 ** _Shut up!_** She slapped her forehead with full force and groaned in pain. Now both her eyes began to twitch.

Two long, strong fingers cupped her chin tilting her head up gently, as calm, concerned yet strangely assuring midnight dark brown eyes looked straight into her soul. "Is there anything you want to tell me, Stephanie?"

"I...I...I bought you a ring."


	13. Chapter 12: Of All the Orcs in Middle Earth

**Chapter 12: Of All the Orcs in Middle Earth**

"I...I...I bought you a ring." She desperately wanted to escape his beautifully intense eyes but was held hostage by them and couldn't even blink. "For your birthday, and Christmas, and...and..." She stammered and stopped miserably. She didn't know what to say next. She had run out of all the things she could think of. And, let's be honest, even Albert Einstein couldn't think straight and clear when there was a magical index finger caressing the sensitive skin under his chin and making him feel like purring.

His eyes softened as if he was going to tell her something, but suddenly they hardened again and he tightened his arm around her waist. "Babe, we have company."

A blast of cheap cologne, garlic, sweat and cheese hit her nose and nearly gagged her when the door of her apartment opened and the unwanted guest swaggered in. "Cupcake?"

All at once she couldn't think. Her world went black for a few moments and when the light came back, she was being carried out of her apartment building and was soon placed into the passenger seat of the Turbo. "What happened?" She blinked and asked weakly when her Man of Mystery started the car and headed toward Haywood. Her throat was so raw as if she had been shouting and screaming nonstop for weeks. He gave out a bark of laughter and ruffled her hair with one hand. "You shrieked like a banshee and fly-tackled Morelli." He stopped at a red light, reached for her left hand and kissed her bruised knuckles softly. "You knocked him out cold, Babe."


	14. Chapter 13: The House of Healing

**Chapter 13: The House of Healing**

"You knocked him out cold, Babe." The memory of all her inhuman growls and snarls, fierce punches, vicious slaps and nearly bone-cracking blows brought a rare full-on smile to his lips. She ate all the wrong and unhealthy kinds of food everyday and never exercised. It was all natural and righteous that she had neither abs nor biceps. Who would have thought she would have that much strength in her? He had to wrap both arms around her waist to pry her off the already unconscious cop at the end.

He carried her bride style all the way to his apartment and set her down carefully on the couch. He went back from the kitchen with a mug of semi-sweet warm herb tea for her throat and quickly and expertly took care of the bruised knuckles on both her hands. He then sat down beside her and gathered her into his arms. "I don't want to go to jail for assaulting a police officer." She looked up at him with teary eyes and quivering lips. "Who's going to take care of Rex if I'm gone?"

"No witness, Babe." Too bad he couldn't put it on YouTube. He could make a fortune out of it. They sat in each other's arms in comfortable soothing silence until she fell asleep. He tucked her into his bed and went for a shower. Oh yes, he was dying to ask her about the ring but he also knew timing was everything. Now he had the woman he loved sleeping peacefully and safely in his bed, he had no problem waiting till tomorrow morning.


	15. Chapter 14: Mithril

**Chapter 14: Mithril**

Oh yes, he was dying to ask her about the ring but he also knew timing was everything. Now he had the woman he loved sleeping peacefully and safely in his bed, he had no problem waiting till tomorrow morning. He woke up in the middle of the night as the pleasant weight on top of him shifted and the soft warm naked (He couldn't have just let her sleep in all her clothes, could he? How uncomfortable it would have been?) female body untangled from him and slipped out of bed. She gasped and mumbled something under her breath, hurriedly wrapped the robe he'd put out for her around her body and padded first into the bathroom and then the living room not so silently.

He lay perfectly still, breathing slowly and evenly as she finally went back, climbed into the bed and kneeled beside him. He tried all he could and suppressed the urge to wince upon hearing her singing terribly out of tune a somewhat familiar song softly. Two cold shaking hands grasped his left hand and raised it to her lips for a brief kiss. And then something cold and smooth to the touch slithered its way onto his ring finger.

It fit perfectly.


	16. Chapter 15: A Promise Lives Within

**Chapter 15: A Promise Lives Within**

It fit perfectly. She let out a sigh of satisfaction and relief. Now she just needed to slip the ring off and put it back inside her bag, and muster all her courage and give it to him in the morning. She'd woken up with a song singing nonstop in her head and an irresistible urge to see if the ring would fit his finger. And she'd finally realized what the song had been trying to tell her and decided to try the ring on him after sitting alone on the couch in the dark living room doing some serious thinking. No, she didn't wanna be friends. She wanted something much, much deeper. She wanted something so precious, so powerful, so frightening. She wanted him. She wanted his love. She wanted a future with him. She held his hand to her heart and closed her eyes.

_I know you still carry two guns and a knife and are not exactly family material. It's okay that you love me in your own way and your love doesn't come with a ring. Because I myself am not sure if I'll ever want any children or another marriage. But please don't tell me you still don't do relationship. I really, really want to be a part of your life. I love you so much. Your rejection will kill me. And please don't send me to some freaking third world country if you don't want my ring._

She gave out a surprised yelp as one steely arm reached out and pulled her down into his warm bare chest. He started laughing so hard that his whole body rocked like a battleship in a tempest. "I've never been proposed to before, but shouldn't you pop the question first before putting the ring on my finger while singing **Bad Romance** , Babe?"

She stared into his sparkling eyes and couldn't utter a word. Her brain was in total chaos. "I said that out loud again, didn't I?" She finally managed to ask hoarsely. "Yes, you did." And before she knew it, she was pinned to the heavenly comfortable king size bed under his heavenly perfect mouth-watering body. "And yes, I do, Stephanie." He said with a beautiful grin and then their tongues touched and she melted and forgot everything in the whole universe but him.


	17. Chapter 16: The White Tree of Gondor

**Chapter 16: The White Tree of Gondor**

She melted and forgot everything in the whole universe but him. And if this had been a funny romantic love story instead of real life, she wouldn't wake up hours later in the early morning light, look down happily and dreamily at the Mocha Latte hand cupping her bare breast, see the ring on his finger and then go straight into panic mode. What had she done? Were they really going to get married? Was he serious about this? How was she going to tell her family? What would his family think of her? Where were they going to live? What if he wanted babies but she couldn't get pregnant? What if she got pregnant and he didn't want the baby? Should she just run away without telling him and then returned home years later to surprise him with his flesh and blood? What if she was having twins? Or triplets? Or quadruplets? Oh God, what if she became another Octopus Mom?

She was on the verge of hyperventilation when his voice sounded lazily into her ear. "Babe, take a deep breath and relax. You are not going to become an octopus." His weird sense of humor snapped her out of her worries while all the seductively tender kisses on her neck and shoulder sent a shiver through her whole being. "We'll discuss all these things and get everything settled in due time."

She could no longer suppress her curiosity, so she turned around in his arms to look at him. "Why did you say yes?"

"Why did you buy me the ring?" His eyes bored into her with an intensity that made her want to jump out of bed and run all the way down the stairs and out of this building. She wanted to squirm and fidget and change the subject, but she knew she had to answer this question truthfully.

"Because...because I love you." She breathed out the words in an almost inaudible voice.

"Say that again." He said softly.

"I love you." She looked straight into his eyes. She could feel her face blushing fiercely.

"I said yes because I love you and you love me." He cupped her face in both his hands. "There's no reason not to try a serious relationship when we are both brave enough to admit we love each other." He flashed her his 1000 Watt smile. "You're not going to chicken out, are you? You're the one who put the ring on my finger, so now I'm holding you responsible for my future happiness."

He laughed and kissed her lovingly on the lips as her eyes began to twitch. "Now, do you want a fancy church wedding or should we just fly to Vegas?"


	18. Chapter 17: Into the West, Babe!

**Chapter 17: Into the West, Babe!**

"Now, do you want a fancy church wedding or should we just fly to Vegas?"

Oh yes, she could sooooooooo see him waiting for her at the altar of the church with the perfect, dazzling, enchanting, sexy smile on his handsome face...too bad she could also see herself holding a small tasteful bridal bouquet with both her hands, gracefully walking down the aisle to the love of her life, while the proud owners of hundreds and hundreds pairs of watchful eyes waiting for her to trip over her own simple elegant wedding gown. She could already hear her mother's trademark "why me" amid all the guests' giggling and snickering. No. She blew out a sigh. She definitely didn't need her family or the Burg to complicate or even ruin things. She knew Ranger was a man who treasured his privacy, and she really wanted to share the special moment of their bonding only with him. Besides, being married by an Elvis impersonator in a little love chapel might actually be fun. "Vegas."

"Good." He pulled her out of bed with him and headed for the bathroom. "Let's grab a shower and start packing. I have some business to attend to this morning. We'll leave this afternoon."

"Huh?" She looked at him in wide-eyed bewilderment. What did he just say? Did she hear right? Did he just say they would leave this afternoon? Oh my God, so soon?

"Gotta act before somebody chickens out and changes her mind." He said matter-of-factly. Besides, they needed to go back to that jewelry store in New York to get the other ring she hadn't been able to buy. He wrapped her into his arms and turned on the shower. He knew she had been saving money for a real decent car. And the fact that she hadn't even blinked when spending all that money on his ring made him want to give her everything in the world.

One hour and two minutes later, the chubby little hamster squeaked and hurriedly covered his eyes with his tiny paws as his tall handsome muscular pack leader pinned his mommy to the wall and gave her a bone-melting Babe-I'll-see-you-later-please-don't-blow-up-anything goodbye kiss. He loved them both dearly but please, parents really needed to stop kissing in front of their children ALREADY!

The two-bit lawyer generally known as the Clown covered his mouth with both hands and squeezed his eyes shut while blushing like a ripe tomato. His sister-in-law had spotted and picked him up from the roadside and kindly offered to let him stay here till his wife took him back. Yes, he would take good care of her hamster and even helped clean up the apartment. No, you didn't have to pull a gun to his head to ask him to keep his mouth shut. One look from the man in black was quite enough.


	19. Chapter 18: Gollum, or Sméagol, and His Raw Fish

**Chapter 18: Gollum, or Sméagol, and His Raw Fish**

One look from the Man in Black was quite enough to shut a big-mouthed lawyer up. But, alas, all those fierce, vicious and nearly bone-cracking punches, slaps and blows from his fiancée didn't have half its power.

The tall hairy police detective kept on walking without a backward glance, trying all he could to look as dignified as possible. He could hear all his brothers and sisters in blue giggle, snicker or even snort behind his back. He had absolutely no idea how he'd ended up with swollen bruised cheeks, matching black eyes and a big bump on the back of his head when waking up outside his on-an-off-again-again-again-and-again girlfriend's apartment door last night. He could only vaguely recall hearing a horrible inhuman roar before catching from the corner of his eyes a blur of something storming toward him. He must have blackened out after that. Because tried as he might, he simply couldn't remember anything. Maybe it was just another weirdo stalker of hers. He shrugged casually.

He had thought about letting himself into her apartment for a long over-dued hot steaming night, but had soon decided against it and driven straight back home because he'd been in too much pain. And to be honest, he really couldn't have been sure if she'd been responsible for his injuries. You see, she could be real scary during her time of the month. He sat down in his office chair and took out a little red velvet square box. He had bought this ring from a recently divorced drinking buddy. It was nothing fancy, just a 14K yellow gold ring with a small diamond on it. It was time for him and her to settle down and start making babies. He smiled happily. Just one hot steaming cheesy pizza, half a dozen beer and some wild animal sex, and she would be his.


	20. Chapter 19: Oh Yes, Just Another Ordinary Day in the Shire

**Chapter 19: Oh Yes, Just Another Ordinary Day in the Shire**

While the hairy detective was filling his brain with all kinds of happy fancies and dreams about his future family, the proud members of TPD, TFD and EMT were busy placing bets. _Who slugged the Italian Stallion: Ranger or Stephanie? Take your pick!_ And then rumours began to fly first into every ear and then out of every mouth in the whole city faster than the Owls Post from the Ministry of Magic. Ugly bruises, bump on the head and a world famous love triangle? Oh how interesting! All the little, burly, tall, short, old and young gentlemen and ladies clapped their hands and giggled excitedly.

The mother of the brunette bounty hunter didn't even bother to call her daughter or moan "why me". She just unplugged the phone and went into her kitchen for another swig of the bottle of whisky.

In the most secure building of this city, all the huge muscular men took a quick look at the shining ring around their leader's finger and kept their mouths shut and focused back on their duties.

On the pavement outside the bonds office owned by a weasel, a mustached Betty Boop look-alike and a neon gold-haired woman in a three-size too tight spandex suit ran after a crappy car coughing black smoke and yelled, "What do you mean you're going away with Ranger for a few days, Stephanie?"

In the apartment where a currently unemployed lawyer dropped the broom in his hand as he finally realized there were certain things a man should never say out loud to his wife when they were in the middle of, um, something, a chubby hamster did a happy dance and cheered for the eighth time. Yes! He's going to have a daddy!


	21. Chapter 20: The Ring of Barahir

**Chapter 20: The Ring of Barahir**

The simple yet elegant platinum ring blended so well with the tone of her skin. She'd fallen in love with it at first sight yesterday and had had a hard time to suppress the longing in her heart and give it up. She'd wanted it so badly but she'd only been able to afford Ranger's ring. Now she watched him pay for it without hesitation and became angry and frustrated with herself.

They would stay the night in New York because he wanted to have the rings engraved here before leaving for Vegas on a mid-morning flight. And, of course, she would also stand aside and watch him pay for the hotel, the meals, the round trip business class tickets and every other little thing. Because she had almost no money left in her bank account. In fact, she had no property, no steady income, no decent car, no nothing but her dear little hamster and herself. She'd already started feeling like a gold digger and God she really hated this feeling. She quickly walked to another corner of the store and wiped away her bitter tears. So much for wanting to become an equal partner in his life. She sniffed and told herself not to cry. She was so engrossed in her own sorrow that she didn't take notice of the sharp dark brown eyes following her every move and taking in all her emotions.

The sales lady nodded as the tall dark handsome customer who was about the same age as her son quietly gave her further instructions. The young lady was indeed one very lucky girl to have a young man like this. She thought to herself and gave him a hearty smile.


	22. Chapter 21: The Shards of Narsil, Now Reforged

**Chapter 21: The Shards of Narsil, Now Reforged**

They stood silently in front of the hotel room window looking out at the spectacular night view of the Brooklyn Bridge. He had took her to dinner right after leaving the jewelry store and just as he'd expected, plates after plates of delicate and delicious vegetarian Chinese dim sums had soon made her forget all her sorrows and tears. But she'd still flinched a little when he'd paid the bill. He tightened his arms around her, held her close to his heart and started talking softly.

"What we have between us is not a business partnership or a contest about who pays more bills. I know you never feel comfortable whenever I bleed money for you. I know you're afraid and feel bad that you may never be able to pay me back. But please remember: there has never been and will never be a price for what we give each other. I help and protect you not because I want you to pay or love me back, but because I care and love you. And what you give me cannot be estimated by money, Stephanie. Your love and trust are way beyond the power of any currency."

She tried her best not to wet his sleek black shirt with her tears and snot. Again she was awed and a little bit scared by his mysterious superpower to read her like an open picture book. "How come you always know everything?" She couldn't help asking.

"Because I'm your Batman, Babe."


	23. Chapter 22: On the Hill of Cerin Amroth

**Chapter 22: On the Hill of Cerin Amroth**

The soft-spoken middle-aged salesman of the boutique who'd strangely reminded her of Professor Snape was right. This dress indeed was the perfect wedding dress. And the young but talented hair stylist he'd recommended had also done magic with her wild crazy curls. She twirled in front of the mirror feeling like giggling. Yes, she knew it was such a cliché thing to do, but she simply couldn't help it. She was so happy.

For the first time in her life, she actually looked almost as elegant and graceful as Audrey Hepburn in _Breakfast at Tiffany's_! And now she was going to get married! To Ranger! Her Batman! In this beautiful knee-length satin black wedding dress! By an Elvis impersonator! In a little love chapel! In this fascinating desert city!

 _Breathe, Stephanie, breathe!_ She ordered herself to calm down. _Now is definitely not the time to pass out due to hyperventilation and over-excitement!_ _We have come this far, there's absolutely no way we're gonna miss our own wedding!_

"It's time." The assistant dressed like Tinkerbell tapped on the door of the bride's waiting room and said happily in a childlike singsong voice.

She glanced at her own reflection in the mirror for the last time, taking a real deep breath, and then walked out of the door, down the aisle toward the man she loved with all her heart and all her life: Ricardo Carlos Manoso.


	24. Chapter 23: King Elessar and His Evenstar

**Chapter 23: King Elessar and His Evenstar**

"By the power vested in me by the great State of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss your bride now, young man. Ladies and Gentlemen, I noooooow present to you Mr. And Mrs. Ricardo Carlos Manoso!" All the 6 Tinkerbells serving as assistants, witnesses, photographer and cameraman to the wedding enthusiastically clapped and cheered as Elvis started singing _Love Me Tender_ in a surprisingly beautiful voice sounding just like, well, Elvis.

The ultra-handsome heavenly sexy groom in a black tuxedo finally finished his kiss and flashed a 100 Billion Watt smile to his lovely weeping bride before wrapping her back into his arms. He had written the ring vows for the both of them and had kept them a surprise till the ceremony. She had started crying and flung herself into his arms upon seeing the words engraved on the inside of her ring and hearing him speaking the vow.

Some said he was nothing but a crazy bastard who never gave a damn to moral regulations and laws. Some said he was nothing but a heartless, calculating, cold-blooded mercenary. Some said he only ever wanted sex without strings and didn't do relationship. Some said he was not Burg. Some said he was not white enough. Some said she would never be more than a loving amusement and never his priority. _To hell with all those freaking stupid idiots!_ She tightened her arms around her husband's waist and thought ferociously amid happy tears.

"One Ranger. One Babe. One Ranger is all you'll ever need. One Babe is all I'll ever need." She would remember his loving voice saying these words forever and ever. Even after the day she died.


	25. Chapter 24: The Dragon Firework of Gandalf

**Chapter 24: The Dragon Firework of Gandalf**

This was definitely not what a newlywed man expected when he woke up in his wedding night to find himself straddled by his beautiful naked bride.

"What if I lose it in a dumpster and a rat eats it and runs away before I can catch it?" Her eyes were wide and wild with fear and worry. "What if I blow it up with my car or something and it melts into nothing?" She had been scared awake by a horrible nightmare in which she'd lost her ring repeatedly, and had immediately jumped on her sleeping husband and woken him up for help. He really wanted to tell her nothing bad was going to happen to her wedding ring, but they both knew she was indeed a magnet for the weirdest disasters. And he never lied to her.

"Don't tell me you will just go buy me another ring, Ranger. You can replace a car, but you can't replace this ring! It's irreplaceable!" A drop of crystal tear slid down her cheek. "I can't lose it!" It was not just a ring. It was the token of their love. It was the most precious treasure she'd ever had in her whole life. Losing it would be like losing a piece of her heart and soul, and the pain might kill her.

He knew now was not the best time to reason with her. She was not yet fully awake and too upset and frightened by the nightmare. So he just pulled her down into his arms, held her tight and told her in his most gentle and assuring voice that she could lock the ring in the safe inside their closet before going out to catch FTAs. The RangeMan building was the most secure building in the whole Trenton, her ring would be safe there. He whispered to her softly as if telling a little child bedtime story till finally his bride drifted back into sleep.

"Rings, like cars, are replaceable. The only thing irreplaceable is you, Babe." He kissed his sleeping beauty tenderly and smiled to himself. The good thing was, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, aka Ranger, former special forces officer, extremely smart investor and successful businessman, the elite of the elite, the best of the best, always thought ahead and was well prepared. He had bought not only the diamond necklace and earrings his wife had worn on their wedding, but also six more simple elegant platinum rings exactly the same as the one wrapping around her slender finger.


	26. Chapter 25: The Black Gates of Mordor

**Chapter 25: The Black Gates of Mordor**

**Now let's turn the clock back to the present.**

She escaped all the way from the crime scene back to their 7th floor apartment, and found with delight that her little hamster and all her belongings had been safely delivered to her new home. No, she was not going to give up her apartment. Keeping her own place gave her a mixed feeling of independence, confidence, control and dignity. Besides, Ranger thought it might serve as a perfect trap for any possible stalkers and old enemies of hers. She padded into the bedroom, retrieved her precious ring from the safe and put it back on.

Damn Morelli and his stupid crappy ring. She said hello to her furry pet, poured a mug of iced unsweetened herb tea and sank down on the couch in the living room. She had stopped by to tell her mother that she and Ranger would like to come over for dinner tonight, but that moron had had to pop out of nowhere and interrupt everything. She winced and prayed that no one in the neighborhood had caught her stunning him on video and put it on YouTube. That would be an indisputable evidence of assaulting a police officer.

"Self defense, Babe."

She yelped and jumped out of her skin as the sexy voice of her Batman sounded from the foyer. "He did grab your hand first." Ranger sat down on the couch and examined her hand carefully. He had every intention to make the dumb cop evaporate from the surface of this planet if his wife was hurt. "Do you want to call your mom before or after we have a shower?" She fished out her phone from her bag right away. Even Wonder Woman wouldn't be in the condition to make a phone call to her own mother after having a shower with him.

They got out off the Turbo at 5:53 in the evening. Her mother and grandma were already waiting for them at the front door. She held his hand tightly, took a deep breath of his heavenly scent, smiled bravely at him, and then together they marched forward. 1.5 minutes later, the whole street erupted as the shrill voice of her mother shattered the quiet and peace of the Burg.


	27. Chapter 26: Yep, Saved by Gandalf

**Chapter 26: Yep, Saved by Gandalf**

Her mother's sharp eagle eyes spotted the ring and the polite smile on her face froze immediately. "What's on your finger, Stephanie? Is that a ring?" She asked in a unnaturally shrill, quivering voice, and it got louder and louder with each question. "Where do you get that ring? Did you buy it at the flea market? What will people think when they see a young woman like you wear a ring on her ring finger when she's not even married?" Her eyes bulged when she saw the ring around Ranger's finger. "How...What...You two are married?" Now she was officially on the verge of screeching at the top of her voice. "You are married? To him? When? Where? How?" Her knees buckled and she almost fell down on her knees had it not been for the pair of arms that caught her from behind.

"Calm down, Helen." Frank turned to his mother-in-law. "Better go check on the vegetable stew before it gets burnt." He then smiled warmly at his terrified younger daughter before nodded curtly to his new son-in-law in greeting. "Come on in. We can talk after dinner."

All the people of the street gaped in stunned silence at the shocking scene unfolding before their eyes. Finally the sound of the door of the Plum residence closing firmly behind the family snapped them back into reality. They jumped into action right away. Before the luckily unburnt vegetable stew was put on the dining table, the hottest breaking news had already travelled through the entire city.


	28. Chapter 27: Nenya, the Ring of Water and Adamant

**Chapter 27: Nenya, the Ring of Water and Adamant**

Grandma fell in love with Elvis and his Tinkerbells. She wowed and danced along when he started singing _Love Me Tender_ for the third time on the TV screen and giggled like a teenage girl. Frank was seriously discussing a test-ride of the Porsche with his son-in-law. He had unplugged the phone right before going out of the front door to catch his almost fainting wife, so their dinner had not been disturbed by calls from curious friends and relatives. The perfect Burg housewife watched her younger daughter's wedding DVD with both hands folded neatly on her lap but didn't said a word. The dinner, as always, was perfect . The vegetable stew and fresh fruit salad were really delicious, and the whole wheat coconut cake was simply unbelievable. She'd had less than three hours' time to prepare but had still magically put out a whole table of marvelous food. And she'd never even once slipped into the kitchen for a not so secret drink of whisky during dinner, mind you.

Stephanie eyed her mother nervously and couldn't stop biting her lips. Her father had congratulated her and given her a kiss on the cheek and a big warm fatherly hug. Her grandma had smirked like a cat who had just gulped down two bowls of cream when hugging her. But her mother had not even looked at her. She really, really wanted her family's blessing and now her mother's coldness was killing her. Yes, she knew nobody in the Burg eloped to Vegas to get married. Nobody in the Burg got married by an Elvis impersonator. Few people in the Burg married someone who's not Italian. And none of them had a husband whose skin was a different color. But she didn't give a damn. She married the man whom she really loved and who really loved her. Why couldn't her mother just open her heart to see this simple truth and be happy for her?

She was about to burst into distressed tears when she caught the look of love and concern in her husband's dark brown eyes. No, she would not cry. She promised herself and smiled back. What her mother or anyone else thought about their marriage didn't matter. She and Ranger loved each other. And that was the only thing really mattered.


	29. Chapter 28: Orcs Will Be Orcs

**Chapter 28: Orcs Will Be Orcs**

An EMT dropped her pizza on the plate and jumped over the table to perform the Heimlich maneuver just before the hairy police detective died of choking. Yep, life sure could be tough for some poor unfortunate soul. He got beaten up by a broomstick in the morning, stungunned on his face at noon, and now a bite of half chewed sub almost put him out of his misery at dinner hour. And the ugly mysterious bruises from 7 days ago hadn't even faded. All the cops, EMTs and firefighters gave him a look of sympathy before went back to eating, chatting and planning. They hadn't found out who'd slugged the Italian Stallion that day. But nothing would stop them from betting on why their favorite bounty hunter hadn't put her wedding ring on her finger this morning.

Half an hour later, the Italian Stallion staggered out of Pino's and got into his car. He'd never felt so betrayed, cheated and humiliated. Oh how he wanted to teach that crazy Cuban bastard a lesson he would never forget. He narrowed his eyes and clenched his teeth as he drove on. _Just you wait, Carlos Manoso, just you wait. You'll be sorry but your tear will be too late!_


	30. Chapter 29: Rise to Find the Sun, Babe

**Chapter 29: Rise to Find the Sun, Babe**

He allowed himself a meaningful, satisfied smirk as he put the Kojak light on the top of his car and stepped on the gas. Soon the shining sleek black Porsche Turbo 911 he hated with all his soul and all his heart slowed down and pulled over. _I'll teach you not to mess with a police detective, Manoso!_ _I'm gonna make you pay for stealing my girl!_ He stopped his car, got out, put his hand on the gun at his hip, swaggered forward like John Wayne to a gunfight, and tapped on the driver's tinted window. "Driver's license, Manos-" He stopped in confusion when he saw Frank Plum's smiling face, and then froze and gaped when his eyes fell on the all too familiar face in the passenger seat.

"Vice and Homicide too boring for you, detective?" The Chief of TPD, who happened to be Frank Plum's old army buddy, frowned ominously at him. "Wanna transfer to Traffic like the cop who shot Derek Jeter*?"

The hairy detective staggered back to his car after his tenth "Sorry sir!" with his tail between his legs. Chief Vimes** raised his brow at his old friend and both men started laughing heartily. "You got yourself a really smart son-in-law, Frank." Now they finally realized why Ranger had suggested his father-in-law to take the Chief along when test driving the Porsche. "I believe now is my turn to drive this baby."

Inside the tastefully decorated 7th floor apartment, Stephanie and her mother sat down on the couch in silence. She had invited her mother over for lunch (it would be prepared by the magical Ella, of course) this morning after talking with Ranger. He had told her that Helen just needed some time to adjust, and a private talk between mother and daughter might be helpful. She peeked at her mother uneasily and prayed her husband was right. She had given her mother a tour of the apartment and showed her the black wedding dress and the diamond necklace and earrings Ranger had bought her, as well as the pictures of the wedding. Helen had nodded approvingly at the bright, spacious, well-equipped modern kitchen and the expensive jewelry. But she still said nothing. Stephanie was about to have a nervous breakdown when her mother finally spoke.

"Come over tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock. I'll start teaching you everything about cooking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Mark Wahlberg's character in The Other Guys. Great movie. A must see if you love The Rock.  
> **Yes, it's very possible that the Chief is related to Sir Sam Vimes***, Duke of Ankh, Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. And it's more than possible that Ranger is related to Lord Havelock Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork.  
> ***Please google "Sir Terry Pratchett" and "Discworld"


	31. Chapter 30: Deep Roots Are Not Reached by the Frost

**Chapter 30: Deep Roots Are Not Reached by the Frost**

"Don't tell me you plan to let your own husband live on whatever food prepared by another woman, young lady." Helen narrowed her eyes and Stephanie cringed in fear. Did she mention that her mom looked even scarier when she was driven by iron-like determination? "Marriage is not playing house, Stephanie. You need to take the responsibility of fulfilling all your husband's needs. I know he has a housekeeper, but doesn't she have other duties to attend to? And what happens when she takes a day off? Takeouts, TV dinners and peanut butter sandwiches for you two? I'm sure your husband will love to see you cook something tasty and special for him from time to time. I know he cares very much about you. He always gives you expensive cars and helps you out, even when you were still with Joseph. Don't you want to do something nice to repay his kindness and show him how much you truly appreciate him? Don't forget, love is not only taking but also giving, Stephanie."

Stephanie Manoso couldn't help but stare and gape at the white Oprah Winfrey from the Twilight Zone sitting beside her. _This can't be real!_ She wanted to scream in terror, run down the stairs, bulge into her husband's office, hide under his desk, hold on tight to his legs and shake like a half-withered leaf in chilly autumn wind. _Who's this woman? She absolutely not my mother!_ She snapped out of her panic when her mother spoke again in a voice sounding terrifyingly quiet and steady.

"Now tell me why you eloped all the way to Las Vegas to get married by an Elvis impersonator without informing your own family. Do you know what people are saying, young lady? We have to unplug the telephone again this morning!" Oh yes, this was the mother she'd known all her life. Stephanie thought to herself dizzily, feeling eerily and utterly happy and relieved.


	32. Chapter 31: Believe and You Will Find Your Way

**Chapter 31: Believe and You Will Find Your Way**

All the peeking neighbors gave a collective longing moan when the ultra-delicious looking Mocha Latte man kissed his bride goodbye lingeringly on her soft red lips at her parents' door. They knew her mother, a most respected and model housewife, had arranged cooking lessons for her. But no fear, the people of this street were all prepared. DVD Camcorders, check. Cell phones with built-in cameras, check. Buckets and basins, check. Lengthened gardening hoses, check. Fire distinguishers, check. 911 on speed dial, check. They smiled happily at the two love birds and waited in great expectation.

Stephanie raised her brows (yes, she did try very hard to raise only one of them but, alas, failed again) in confusion when Ranger held her hands in both of his and looked down at them closely for a long moment. He then leaned in dangerously close to her and brushed his warm sexy lips so tenderly against her cheek that she almost melted when he whispered softly into her ear. "Please try not to blow up your mom's kitchen and come back home to me with all your ten fingers intact, Babe."

She gasped and glared at him indignantly. She had thought about her mother's words and finally decided that learning to cook was not such a bad thing. She actually like the idea of cooking something hot, healthy and tasty for her Batman once in a while, and her mom had also promised to check out some Cuban recipes. And to be honest, she was tired of being thought of as the girl who was good at nothing. She looked up into Ranger's laughing eyes and smiled back at the man she loved. She knew he loved her as the way she was and didn't give a damn if she knew how to cook or not. But she wanted to be able to face life's new challenges and confront whatever difficulties came her way instead of just running away and hiding behind somebody's back. And both Ella and her mom had assured her that cooking was not that hard.

Ranger gave his wife a 1000 Watt smile. He had every faith in the woman he loved. She was brave, smart and clever, and he'd always hated Morelli for treating her like a good for nothing. She might blow up her mom's kitchen and come back home without the ability to tell sugar from salt. But he would still be proud of her for trying to learn something new and challenging. He tucked a loose curl back behind her ear, kissed her lips again and pushed her gently into her mother's door. "Now go tame the Dragon and bring back her gold, Tiger."


	33. Chapter 32: All That Glitters Is Not Gold

**Chapter 32: All That Glitters Is Not Gold**

Helen Plum was speechless. She really, really needed a sip of her Jack...no, better make that three. She had no idea how someone could cook something smelled so good but tasted so awful. She tried all her best to hide her grimace and force a small smile on her face before turned to face her anxious younger daughter. "Well, it's not bad for a first attempt. A little too salty and too much peppers maybe, but overall not totally inedi...um, not bad, actually." Helen desperately wanted to cross herself when Stephanie grinned happily and did a happy dance in the middle of the messy kitchen. No, she didn't want to discourage her daughter from keeping on learning. One failure was nothing, really. Stephanie would finally learn to master cooking. Someday. Maybe. Now she had to think real quick. She had to send Stephanie away before lunch and stop her taking the vegetable stew from hell all the way back to Ranger's dining table. She didn't want to eat that horrible stew for lunch. And she didn't want her son-in-law to think the cooking lessons were no more than a lame excuse to have him murdered by food poisoning.

Half an hour later, Helen stood at the front door and blew out a sigh of utter relief as her happy younger daughter drove away. Thank God Lula had called and asked Stephanie to join her at lunch. Ranger had meetings with clients all day and wouldn't be home until late in the night. So Helen had grasped the golden opportunity without hesitation and told Stephanie that the vegetable stew wouldn't taste half as good when reheated. She'd then given her daughter the recipe and persuaded her to cook it for Ranger tomorrow with Ella's help. Helen went back into the house and gave her new friend Ella a warning call. She was in the middle of cleaning up her ruins of a kitchen when her mother returned from her mission. She met her mother's sparkling eyes and both of them started giggling uncontrollably. They couldn't wait to see the fruit of Stephanie's hard work working its magic on the person who most deserved it.

Later that day, an ambulance rushed a food poisoning victim to the ER. The deadly pale tall hairy patient had returned home early and found someone (maybe one of his aunts) had left him a box of stew on his doorstep. It'd smelled really, really good so he'd gulped it down with two bottles of beer. And he'd started having this killer stomach ache not half an hour later...


	34. Chapter 33: Samwise Gamgee, the Loyal Hobbit

**Chapter 33: Samwise Gamgee, the Loyal Hobbit**

The chubby hamster purred. Yes, of course he knew he was not a cat. He might be a hamster, but he was not stupid, thank you very much. He moaned and drooled a little as the long, gentle Mocha Latte finger moved from under his chin to his tummy and resumed tickling. Oh how much he loved his daddy! He loved his mommy dearly, too. Though she never cooked, next to never swept and mopped their old apartment, almost always fed him with something totally unhealthy, and frequently forgot to change his bedding. And now, thanks to his daddy, he not only had bags and bags of super tasty, healthy organic hamster treats, but also the Great Magical Ella to take care of him! He really was not the ranting type, but sometimes he couldn't help feel like complaining a little about his mommy. Even the Clown was much better than her at keeping the apartment and his glass aquarium clean, you see.

Auntie Val had stormed into the apartment the day that tall hairy alpha-male wannabe had attempted to sexually assault the Clown. She'd first said hello to the cops and the EMTs politely before smacking that shameless criminal soundly on his head and rushing over to check on her "darling cuddling pumpkin". When the Great Magical Ella and the two huge man mountains had arrived to pack up the apartment, Auntie Val had already dragged her Clown all the way back to her lair. The little hamster sighed satisfiedly when his daddy gave him a last tender tickle. He was so happy Grandma Helen was not crazy enough to let his mommy poison his daddy. He said goodnight to the tall handsome muscular man sleepily, closed his eyes and drifted off to dream.


	35. Chapter 34: The Wise Lady of Lothlórien

**Chapter 34: The Wise Lady of Lothlórien**

Cooking was all about seasoning. Every great chef around the world had a clear head, steady hands, and sharp, keen eyes. And they all knew how to remain calm and rational in times of stress and emergencies. That was the reason why they never made common beginner mistakes such as mistaking baking soda for cornstarch, or vinegar for liquid vegetable stock. They always remembered if they had added salt and pepper into their vegetable stew or not. And they never dropped an opened large bottle of Tabasco sauce into their stew by mistake and then totally forget to fish it out because they were too jumpy and nervous in their mom's kitchen.

The Great Magical Ella was not only an excellent chef but also a good teacher. And she knew a golden rule by heart: the more nervous and anxious a newbie cook was, the more likely she was going to make mistakes. So she chatted pleasantly with Stephanie, and told her little jokes and funny stories about the RangeMan employees until the younger woman was no longer nervous, and then slowly showed her step by step how to prepare and cook the vegetable stew. And, most important of all, Ella had taken Helen's advice to heart and had already made sure there was absolutely no opened large bottle of Tabasco or whatever kind of sauces in Ranger's kitchen.

Ella tasted the flavor from time to time and ensured the stew was perfectly cooked. She then helped Stephanie clean up the kitchen while guarded the pot like a dragon until Ranger came up for lunch. She blew a sigh of utter relief and let herself out when Ranger told a happy Stephanie her stew tasted even better than her mom's. Yes, everyone in RangeMan had heard about the mysterious food poisoning of the tall hairy police detective they all disliked. And it never hurt just to be a little more careful, don't you agree?


	36. Chapter 35: Noro Lim, Noro Lim, Asfaloth!

**Chapter 35: Noro Lim, Noro Lim, Asfaloth!**

Ranger turned on the dishwasher and wrapped his arms around his wife's waist. "Are you ready to meet the Bat Family, Babe?"

Stephanie looked at her husband's smiling face, unable to speak or squeak, and totally dazed. And then her mind slowly drifted all the way down to the RangeMan underground garage.

If you dropped both Squidward Tentacles and Patrick Starfish into a blender, and pushed the button for 10 seconds, you would get a pinkish green gooey thing which was exactly the same color as Stephanie's crappy car. Both Connie and Lula had been trying to persuade her to get rid of the car ever since the day they and Ranger had witnessed it puffing out clouds after clouds of thick coal-black smoke outside the bonds office. "That thing ain't no car, White Girl, it's a giant squid!" Lula had exclaimed tearfully after a fit of unstoppable laughing. "Al Gore's gonna cry his heart out at sight of this."

Ranger had dropped the key of his Turbo into Stephanie's hand without a word, but for some unknown reason (okay, maybe she'd just been extra stupid and stubborn that day), she'd grasped Ranger's hand, put the key back in his palm, and told him bravely and proudly that she would never give up the symbol of her dignity as a free and independent single career woman. Ranger had simply traced a long, seductive finger along her hairline, tucked a stray wild curl behind her ear, pinned her to the wall, and given her a soul-melting call-me-when-this-one-joins-the-others-in-the-car-heaven-Babe kiss before driving away to save the world and leaving her all hot and bothered in their alley.

But the car had been as invincible as Big Blue. Five FTAs had tried to blow it up but failed. Stephanie had finally grown tired of polluting the fresh, clean air of the Garden State of New Jersey. So she had started saving money for a new decent car, and 1.5 month later, she'd spent all that money on Ranger's beautiful ring and married him. Ranger had been wanting to give her a new car, but Stephanie had suddenly felt the need to be a married but free and independent woman. And driving the car she had bought by herself had somehow given her that feeling.

But yesterday afternoon, the free, independent but no longer single career woman had come home from her lunch with Lula to realize that the time had arrived to let go of her car. Hal, the shy polite friendly giant who had recently recovered from a nasty cold, had almost coughed both his lungs out the moment she'd driven into the underground garage. Stephanie had apologize to Hal a dozen times before finally going up to the 5th floor office to talk to Ranger. She was sorry to see her giant squid go, but she really, really loved her brand new shining black Boxster...

Gradually Stephanie's thoughts drifted back and focused on her husband's smiling face. Oh yes, she was going to meet the Bat Family...Ranger's family... What if they didn't like her? What if they thought she was not good enough for Ranger? What if they wanted him to marry someone who could speak Spanish? What if they wanted him to divorce her? Stephanie blinked several times and grasped Ranger's shirt in a death grip. She was on the verge of panic attack when two large warm hands cupped her face gently. Ranger's calm, firm voice immediately snapped her out of all her worries.

"We are not going to divorce. You and I are going to grow old together, Stephanie."

God bless ESP!


	37. Chapter 36: One Ring to Find Them

**Chapter 36: One Ring to Find Them**

Ricardo Carlos Manoso and his family kept a proper and respectful distance between each other. He seldom showed up at family occasions and holiday celebrations, but was mysteriously aware of whatever happened to which one of his family members. He always remembered to send greetings and gifts, and never hesitated to offer timely help and support. He was not exactly the black sheep of the family, but was definitely different from all his siblings. The Manosos still smacked each other on the head frequently, but no one, not even the fearless Grandma Rosa, smacked Carlos any more. He was no longer that silent, skinny, long-haired pretty boy who had been bullied a lot both in the neighborhood and his school. And all the gang members and troublemakers of Newark had long ago learned to steer clear out of the Manosos' way.

His father, as well as everyone in the family, was very proud of his achievement and success, but hadn't yet completely gotten over his dropping out of university and joining the Army. Like most Cuban Americans, the generous, decent and hard-working head of the Manoso family valued education highly. From time to time, his mother and Grandma Rosa would hold the newest pictures of Julie to their hearts and sigh. They still grieved the loss of the custody of the beautiful little girl who looked just like Carlos. When or would he ever find the right girl and have his own family?

Now, the three of them sat in the family room looking at the TV quietly. A tall, 60-something Asian-American Elvis was singing _Love Me Tender_ , 6 Tinkerbells were dancing beside him, and Carlos was kissing the life out of Audrey Hepburn on the screen. The wedding DVD had been delivered to them 4 days ago shortly after a call from Carlos, and they had watched it over and over again as if possessed. He'd told his mother that he had gone to Vegas to get married, he would find a time to bring his bride over to meet the family and then ended the call.

No goodbye, as usual.


	38. Chapter 37: One Ring to Bring Them All

**Chapter 37: One Ring to Bring Them All**

Stephanie Manoso didn't know a word in Spanish (amigo, nacho and Tabasco didn't really count) and Grandma Rosa didn't speak a word in English (yes and no didn't count, either). Most of the time, for women with good instincts, verbal language was not the only way to communicate. But sometimes they really needed it to understand each other.

Grandma Rosa shooed Ranger's mother and four curious elder sisters away and kissed Ranger on his cheeks. She then took one good look at Ranger's bride, and immediately dragged Stephanie into her bedroom and locked the door. Grandma Rosa yelled at her daughter-in-law to stop pounding on the door and go check the stew in the kitchen before it was burnt, and gently pulled the extremely nervous Stephanie to sit down on the bed beside her. Rosa was never the kind of woman who would hide her feelings, questions and doubts all to herself. So she took a deep breath, braced herself, took held of both Stephanie's hands, looked at the young woman's belly for a long moment, and then softly and hopefully asked her in Spanish, “Are you pregnant?"

A dazzling, beautiful smile blossomed on Rosa's face when Stephanie nodded shyly and said "yes" and something else in English. She gathered Stephanie into her arms and said a silent prayer of gratitude. She couldn't wait to tell her whole family the good news and to hold Carlos's baby in her arms. Oh how much she longed for a little boy that looked just like Carlos. Grandma Rosa kissed Stephanie on both cheeks happily. She knew this pretty blue-eyed girl was the right one for her Carlos.

Did Ranger inherit his ESP from Grandma Rosa? He did inherit her smile, that was for sure. Stephanie thought to herself in amazement as the old woman kissed her cheeks. How did Grandma Rosa know she was hungry? Stephanie was pretty sure her stomach hadn't been growling. She followed a happy Grandma Rosa back into the family room and smiled politely as Rosa said something loudly in Spanish. She didn't noticed the rest of Ranger's family suddenly fell silent and turned to stared at Ranger with wide dark brown eyes as she sat down beside Ranger, because her attention was distracted by the smell of hot, spicy food coming from the kitchen.

Stephanie looked at Grandma Rosa expectantly. The heavenly aroma coming from the kitchen was making her drool. Now that she had told Grandma she was really, really hungry, maybe they would start dinner immediately? She always felt hungry whenever she was too anxious and nervous. She had sneaked into the 5th floor break room not 40 minutes after lunch and wolfed down three of Ella's healthy whole wheat sandwiches, and had been about to bite into her fourth when Ranger had finally arrived to save her from bursting out of the beautiful midnight blue satin dress they'd bought in Vegas. They had left for Newark shortly afterward, but now she was hungry again already. She snapped out of her thoughts when Ranger's mother asked him something in Spanish sharply. The whole Manoso family then let out a collective sigh of relief when Ranger wrapped an arm around his wife's shoulders and answered his mother's question almost lazily.

Ranger assured his family he and Stephanie were never going to divorce. But he didn't tell them she was not pregnant. He places a feather light kiss on Stephanie's lips upon hearing her beast growling and gave her a 200 Watt smile. Not yet, anyway.


	39. Chapter 38: Many Meetings in Rivendell

**Chapter 38: Many Meetings in Rivendell**

Ranger's four elder sisters had more than 100000 questions they'd love to ask their sister-in-law. They had heard a lot about the famous Stephanie Plum, of course. Amazing stories about Trenton's Bombshell Bounty Hunter traveled far and wide, and they were all grateful for her bravery and courage to help save Julie. They also heard that there was something very special between Stephanie and their youngest sibling, but she already had a really nice looking police detective boyfriend who'd grown up with her. And now, all of a sudden, she was married to Carlos and carrying his baby. Naturally they were all dying to ask her all kinds of interesting, sensitive and embarrassing questions, but very wisely they held their tongues and instead asked only harmless, basic questions such as her favorite color, food, movie and TV shows, etc.

Stephanie chatted through the family dinner happily. No, she didn't take notice of how quickly the sparkles of curiosity in her four sisters-in-law's eyes had quenched after a stern, warning look from Ranger's mother which promised a series of firm, lightning-fast and really painful smacks on the back of the head. Stephanie ate up the whole plate of Cuban coquitos in front of her and moaned dreamily. Grandma Rosa and her daughter-in-law smiled contentedly at each other. It was very important not to give a pregnant woman any extra stress, and the baby would grow fast and strong when the mother had such a good appetite. But their smile faltered a bit when Ranger took them aside shortly before leaving and told them gently that Stephanie was not yet carrying his baby. It was all but a misunderstanding. He had chosen not to tell the truth right away because he'd wanted Stephanie to enjoy her first Manoso family dinner without feeling embarrassed and stressed. And he'd known his mother and Grandma Rosa would keep his notoriously curious sisters at bay through the whole dinner.

Isabela Manoso and her mother-in-law quickly cast away their disappointment and affectionately kissed and hugged the young couple goodbye. They knew a beautiful baby would join the family when the time was right. They could see Carlos and Stephanie love each other deeply, and that was the only thing that really mattered.


	40. Chapter 39: Anduín

**Chapter 39: Anduín**

It was impossible for Stephanie to pick up a fight with Ranger or to stay angry with him for more than 3 minutes.

Ranger was way too calm, reasonable and rational. He didn't lose his cool composure or his temper. He didn't yell back or wave his arms at her. In fact, he never even raised his brow or his voice. He waited patiently until all Stephanie's Italian temper was vented, and then started to explain his decision to her. Stephanie had almost died of embarrassment and horror upon learning about her "pregnancy" on the drive home. But all her anger and indignation had soon dissolved like powdered sugar in hot boiling water. Because she knew Ranger never did anything without a good reason and he would never hurt her. And, to be honest, Stephanie was relieved that his sisters hadn't had the chance to question her about her infamous unhealthy relationship with Morelli in front of Ranger's whole family.

But most important of all, she stood no chance against Ranger's ultimate weapon. He knew just how to use all her Hungarian hormones to his ultimate advantage. He made her forget everything in the universe first with one simple feather light kiss on her lips, and then with a softly whispered tempting suggestion in her ear. If Stephanie was so upset with the fact that she was not yet carrying the Batbaby, they could start trying immediately.

Stephanie sighed contentedly and snuggled closer into Ranger's bare chest. No, she was not ready for a child right now. But someday, very possibly. She closed her eyes and fell asleep, and dreamed about a beautiful little boy with silky smooth straight hair, enchanting midnight dark brown eyes, and his father's dazzling almost smile.


	41. Chapter 40: Who Killed The Witch-king of Angmar?

**Chapter 40: Who Killed The Witch-king of Angmar?**

Trenton police detective Joseph A. Morelli was a very unhappy man right now.

He spent most of his adult life trying to prove to the world that he had already beaten the infamous Morelli Curse. He seldom got drunk. He never raised his hand to a woman. He no longer slept around. He was the proud owner of a nice two story house. He loved his dog. He had a respectable job and steady income. He liked children. He was respectful to elders. He was movie star handsome, excellent in bed, charming, and fun.

But still, he lost his Cupcake to a crazy, cold-blooded, calculating Cuban mercenary who never gave a damn to moral regulations and laws. And he was pretty sure that bastard hadn't even blinked when ending the existence of Eddie Abruzzi. He was beyond furious. He wanted to strangle Manoso with his own bare hands for stealing his Cupcake. He wanted to grab hold of Stephanie and shake her and ask her why she had to ruin their happy ever after. But he knew his hands were tied. The Chief had been keeping an eye on him ever since the Porsche fiasco. But that would not be a problem, not for long. He would work most carefully and discreetly until he finally destroyed Manoso and made everything back to normal.

He ground his teeth and was about to promise himself he would never give up his revenge when all of a sudden his face contorted with pain as his stomach groaned loudly. He quickly jumped out of his bed and rushed into the bathroom but was, alas, too late. The big orange dog jerked awake the moment the foul smell of something rotten hit his nose and ran all the way down the stairs to hide in the kitchen with his tail between his legs.

In Trenton's most secure building, Stephanie Manoso slept peacefully in her husband's perfect muscular arms and dreamed about the Batbaby. And, no, she had absolutely no idea that her "hard work" was still working its magic on the person who most deserved it.


	42. Chapter 41: Dwarves of Moria Don't Dig Too Deep

**Chapter 41: Dwarves of Moria Don't Dig Too Deep**

A cold shiver ran down Tank's spine the moment he stepped inside the bonds office.

Once again Lula was eying his ring finger like an Indian mongoose ogling an extra meaty mouth-watering cobra. And all of a sudden, the fearless giant of a man who watched Ranger's back and eliminated within a blink of an eye whatever and whoever posed a threat to Ranger felt the desperate need to cover his throbbing jugular as if he was standing in front of a drooling vampire.

Tank quickly took a deep breath and calmed himself. He was a highly trained professional. He had followed Ranger through places much worse than Hell and survived. He was Ranger's second in command. He helped Ranger run RangeMan. Did he mention he was a highly trained professional? He had an image and reputation to uphold. And it was definitely essential not to show your enemy how frightened you really were.

Without a word Tank took the files for RangeMan from a smirking Connie with a steady hand, nodded a brief goodbye in the general direction of his ferocious neon pink-haired ex fiancée, and escaped like both Heaven and Hell were on fire.


	43. Chapter 42: Éowyn, the Kick-Ass Chick

**Chapter 42: Éowyn, the Kick-Ass Chick**

"It wasn't my fault!" Stephanie turned in Ranger's warm embrace to glared in annoyance at one of the grinning uniform cops standing in front of them.

The gawking onlookers clapped, cheered and whistled in great excitement and extreme delight as the burning car in the middle of the road exploded into a huge mushroom-like fireball before the skilled and dauntless firefighters from TFD had a chance to put out the raging flames. Inside the backseat of one of the two RangeMan SUVs parked behind Ranger's Turbo 911, Stephanie's middle-aged bald skip screamed "Why me?" and wailed like a baby at the sight of the engulfing inferno swallowing up his neon green Lamborghini. He had simply thrown that home-made fire bomb at Stephanie's brand new sleek black Porsche Boxster in a desperate attempt to stop her chasing him, but had somehow blown up his precious Gallardo instead. And he had been so busy jumping up and down in panic by the roadside that he'd never taken notice of the sly woman sneaking up from behind with a stun gun in her hand.

Everyone's head turned as a familiar dark blue SUV screeched to a stop and a more than familiar man jumped out from behind the wheels. Detective Joseph Morelli rushed over to Stephanie, took a look at the beautiful wedding ring on her finger and started waving his arms wildly and yelling at her like crazy. The barely there smile on Ranger's lips vanished and the happy grin on everyone's face froze immediately. All the police officers, firefighters and onlookers hastily stumbled back a couple steps as they felt the delicate change in the atmosphere. Right now even the dullest knife in the drawer could easily sense and the anger and danger radiating off the Man of Mystery.

A sudden dead silence fell upon the world 1 second later as Morelli crumbled to the floor, twitching, frothing and convulsing uncontrollably for a few second and became still. All the people at the scene let out a collective sigh of relief as Grandma Mazur graciously showed them Stephanie's brand new state of the art RangeMan issued stun gun with a triumphant smile on her face. Edna totally enjoyed this shopping trip with her granddaughter. She had first persuaded Stephanie to go after the FTA, then leaned out of the car window, caught the home-made fire bomb in mid air with one hand and thrown it right back at that tacky car, and finally sneaked up behind the two dumb bastards and stunned them like a real ninja. She chatted happily with some of the onlookers after the cops assured her that she would not go to jail for assaulting a police officer because nobody had seen anything.

Yes, maybe she would talk to Vinnie about a part time job in the bonds office. It would definitely be much more fun than any open casket viewing.


	44. Chapter 43: Arwen's Choice

**Chapter 43: Arwen's Choice**

Stephanie woke up to the soft sound of the apartment door closing. Once again Ranger was called away in the dead of the night on RangeMan business. She yawned, closed her eyes but didn't feel like sleeping any more. She moved over to Ranger's side of their bed, breathed in the lingering scent on his pillow, and tried to absorb the warmth left by his body to repel the sudden loneliness falling upon her. Stephanie wanted to give herself a good hard head slap. Ranger had only been gone for about 2 minutes and she had already started feeling small and alone?

 _And a little frightened, too._ A little voice in her heart added helpfully.

Stephanie had always prided herself of not being the needy, whining, clingy type. She had quite enjoyed the freedom and independence of being single and living alone in her old apartment. She rolled her eyes and snorted in slight disgust every time she saw Shirley the Whiner whining to poor Eddie about almost everything. She couldn't stand the sight of Val mumbling sweet nonsense to Albert. And she actually felt more than just a little sick and nauseous watching her childhood friends drop everything in their hands and jump into their husbands' arms whenever a rat ran by.

She had broken into this apartment and lived alone here for a short time while Ranger had been in the wind. She had been jumpy and scared at that time because she'd been so afraid and worried about Ranger's reaction, but on the whole she'd really enjoyed the experience. However, something had changed inside her. She didn't want to sleep alone in this heavenly bed any more. She didn't want to eat her Tastykakes alone in front of the 72" plasma TV any more. She didn't want to come back to an empty 7th floor penthouse apartment any more. Yes, she still wanted to be her own woman, but now she couldn't even sleep without her husband.

 _Go figure, Miss Einstein._ The little voice in Stephanie's heart snickered.

Stephanie rolled her eyes at herself and held Ranger's pillow tightly in her arms. She promised herself that next time she would definitely wake up in time to tell the man she loved "Don't get shot", and finally and gradually fell asleep.


	45. Chapter 44: Shelob!

**Chapter 44: Shelob!**

They looked at each other in grim silence and one by one slowly nodded their heads. They knew they had no other choices. They had to do something. The truth was cruel but simple: Fate was definitely not on their side, and now they were running out of time. They couldn't afford to lose this battle. They had to act fast or all would be lost. They voted again and decided to do it right away. Phone calls were quickly placed. Arrangements were carefully made. All the necessary equipments were ready and double-checked. They took a collective deep breath and squared their jaws, and set out for the task with iron-like determination and heavy hearts like any well-trained, experienced soldiers. The sooner they took care of this problem, the better it would be for everyone.

They drove through the dark sleeping streets and reached their first destination. They unlocked the door and slip inside the house after making sure no one was watching. Their target had once again drunk himself to sleep and was snoring like a train on the chewed-up couch. Expertly and efficiently they carried him out of the small cozy two-story house and drove to the final destination, and handed him over to the person in charge of the last step of this mission.

Quietly they walked out of the house to their cars, exchanged small smiles and blew out tired sighs. They had done whatever they could. Now they could only wait and pray that their plan would work as planned. No matter how hard and painful it might be, a man had to wake up from all his childish delusions and impossible dreams to face the extremely unpleasant reality eventually like everyone else did. And if he was too stubborn to comply, somebody, such as his grandmother, mother, godmother, aunts, elder brother, bother-in-law and cousin would just have to intervene.

Joseph A. Morelli's family then drove back to Mrs. Morelli's nice cozy house to have some hot coffee, cocoa and late night snacks. Joe could be such an idiot and annoying cocky dumb bastard and a real pain in the ass sometimes, but he was still their family. And they had to take care of their own. The Morelli clan, like everybody in this city, knew that it wouldn't be long before Ranger finally snapped and made Joe "disappear" for stalking and harassing Stephanie. They had been trying to think of a way to save Joe's hairy ass like a bunch of ants on a hot pan when Grandma Bella had had one of her famous Visions and seen the perfect solution for this problem. So they had simply obeyed Bella's order and carried out her plan. Everyone winced and cringed as the said old woman suddenly clapped her hands and giggled happily and, let's be honest, crazily. No, they would absolutely not argue if Grandma Bella said her precious Joseph would get over Stephanie in no time at all and live happily after with the girl Bella had chosen for him. They really didn't have death wishes, you know.

 


	46. Chapter 45: Torech Ungol

**Chapter 45: Torech Ungol**

Joe Morelli woke up dazedly and groggily to a Grandma Bella of all headaches and hangovers and a sweet, seductive feminine scent.

He blinked for a couple of times and sniffed in confusion. Where was he? Why was he surrounded by a darkness so thick that he couldn't clearly see a thing? Why did he feel so sore, tired and exhausted as if he had just finished the Boston Marathon? And why was he on a water bed? Was he naked? Joe was pretty sure that he had fallen asleep on his chewed up couch in the living room. The last thing he remembered clearly before slipping away from the painful reality was announcing proudly to his lonely empty two-story house that Bob the Dog sure knew how to snore. He frowned and sniffed again. Where did this scent of Chanel No. 5 come from? And why did it smell so familiar? He was pretty sure that he had smelled it somewhere on someone before...

No, not Terry. Terry only ever wore Christian Dior's Poison...maybe it was time to pay Terry another surprise midnight visit...Oh he loved Stephanie alright, but come on, a little fun never hurt nobody, don't you agree? Joe Morelli smirked like a happy hyena and trying to turned his head to have a better sniff. And then all of a sudden, he became fully and completely awake and immediately started to panic as he finally remembered where and on whom he had smelled this particular scent. An extremely unpleasant cold shiver ran down Joe's spine as the familiar shrill laughter sounded in the darkness shortly before the crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling of the outrageously extravagantly decorated bedroom was turned on.

"Oh, Joseph, you have made me the happiest woman in the world!" With the dignity of the Queen of Narnia and a wicked sly smile on her Botoxed face, a stark naked Joyce Barnhardt slowly held up her hand to show her fiancé (or should we say prey?) the beautiful antique gold ring wrapped tightly around her ring finger.

A dumb-stricken Joe Morelli gaped and gagged and stared with bulging eyes at Grandma Bella's wedding ring for 29 seconds. And then fainted.

Too bad he didn't even have the time to scream "Why me?".


	47. Chapter 46: Lugbúrz

**Chapter 46: Lugbúrz**

It was the most surprising Burg wedding of the century. People spilled their coffee everywhere and choked on their muffins and doughnuts upon hearing the happy news. The man who owned the most hairy ass in Trenton and the skan **-** sorry, the woman who had a, um, very active "social" life were going to tie the knot? Today? What the Hell? And why the rush? It looked like God was pretty shocked by this marriage too, so He decided to add some fun and excitement to it. The weather was more than horrible. The sun hid himself behind the clouds and rudely refused to come out. The chilly wind and icy rain simply wouldn't stop. People started crossing themselves when sleet and hail dropped from the scaringly dark sky. But just as the time of the wedding finally arrived, the sun popped out. The sky became clear. The rain, sleet and hail all stopped. And the breeze was so gentle and warm that several guests yawned and fall asleep behind their wheels and jammed the traffic.

The flower arrangement had been aiming at expensive and elegant, and, as if by magic, it didn't end up cheap and tacky. The cello, the violin and the organ were skillfully played in harmony. The church was crowded with bemused but unsurprisingly well-behaved guests. None of them wanted the grandmother of the groom to put the Eye on them, of course. The mother of the bride was all proud smile. She had just snared her 15th husband, you see. The family and friends of both parties winced and gave a collective silent "Ouch!" as the tall, dark, handsome and bruised groom stumbled to the altar with wide, desperate, bloodshot eyes. Minutes later, the grinning bride showed up in a sexy blood red satin wedding dress. The quests dutifully wowed as if they had never seen a more stunning bride. Just as Joyce was about to walk down the aisle to the man she had fingered in Mr. Morelli's garage when she was but six years of age, there came a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning right above the church, and then a seething teary Terry Gilman barged inside the church.

"Joseph Morelli!" Terry screamed like a heartbroken, demented banshee and wildly waved the Uzi in her hand. "I'm gonna kill you! You rat bastard!". And just like that, all Hell broke loose in the beautiful and peaceful city of Trenton.


	48. Chapter 47: Legolas Greenleaf, the Elf Prince

**Chapter 47: Legolas Greenleaf, the Elf Prince**

Lester Santos (NO! Are you color blind? Just open your freaking eyes and look more closely! See, he did NOT have green eyes! And NO! Just how many times did he have to tell you he was not biologically or genetically related to anyone named Manoso? Santa Maria, where the heck did you crazy chicks keep getting these crazy ideas?) cursed in a string of low-voiced Spanish, pushed Grandma Mazur to the ground and covered her with his own body.

He was a hot-blooded, fun-loving Latino through and through. He was friendly, curious and noisy by nature. He loved anything thrilling, new and exciting. He loved cool cars and hot girls. He loved to chase and shoot at people, he loved being shot at, and sometimes he even enjoyed being arrested by the cops if the female officer who cuffed him was spicy enough. He had pledged his loyalty and friendship to Ranger somewhere in a foreign desert many years ago after Ranger had saved his ass and life for the 10th time or so. Although Lester still had absolutely no idea why Ranger had chosen to give up his bachelor life and get married, he liked Stephanie quite a lot and thought she and Ranger were right for each other. And when Ranger had asked him to accompany Stephanie and her Grandma on their shopping tour the other day, Lester and Grandma had hit it off almost immediately and become pals.

It was not surprising at all, really. They were both brave, smart and adventurous, and both of them loved to chat as well as gossip and shoot at people. So when an upset Grandma had told Lester over the phone that she and the whole Plum family had not been invited to the Morelli and Barnhardt wedding, he had volunteered to help her sneak into the church to have a peek. How hard would it be? He'd thought. The bride and groom would not be sealed inside a closed casket, right? And boy, was he wrong or what. Lester sighed and said a quick silent prayer as both Terry and Joyce and everybody else inside the church started screaming like bloody hell barely seconds before the shooting began. Lester knew he was in big trouble but somehow he also knew that this time Ranger would not be pissed and once again send him off to a God-forsaken third world country. Because judging from all the wows and girlish giggles coming from under his next to perfect muscular, mouth-watering body, Grandma Mazur was totally enjoying this...


	49. Chapter 48: I Don't Care What Peter Jackson Says, Haldir Lives!

**Chapter 48: I Don't Care What Peter Jackson Says, Haldir Lives!**

Here in Trenton, New Jersey, there was a golden rule one should never ignore: it was illegal NOT to carry concealed no matter what the police told you *****. And it was also a very good idea to keep a iPhone or Blackberry or any kind of state-of-the-art cell phones on you all the time. Therefore, the moment a barking-mad Terry Gilman barged inside the church with an Uzi in her hand, all the grannies and nanas automatically reached inside their old lady bags and had their Glocks, Sig Sauers and Colt .45s at ready, while all the pops and papas held up their cell phones, twisted and turned on the ground until they got a perfect angle, and started live broadcasting via YouTube, Facebook and Twitter immediately.

1.5 minutes later, the church was surrounded by reporters, TV cameras, SNG vehicles and a bunch of happy excited bystanders. And all the friendly, honest people of the city were now glued to their TV screens with their favorite snacks and drinks in their hands like flies stuck to a decomposing dead body. It was bad enough not to be invited to witness the uniting of the Burg's two most notorious families, no way in Heaven or Hell they were going to miss all the fun now that the infamous No. 3 on the Top 10 list had joined in. Everybody, including the police officers and detectives, the EMTs, the firefighters, and the SWAT team who had finally arrived, gasped in union and placed a hand over their mouths or hearts as screams and gunshots sounded from within the old brick building. Everyone then soon recovered from the shock and started placing bets. Would the Hairy Italian Stallion survive the ordeal intact and unscratched? How many bullets would he manage to dodge? Where would he be hit? And, most important of all, by whose bullets? They were so engrossed in the activity that nobody ever took notice of the group of men in black in full combat gears quietly slipped inside the church from all the doors and windows like shadows of the darkest night.

2 minutes and 18 seconds later, the church was wrapped in silence and stillness after a round of perfectly timed and aimed tranquilizer darts. Lester Santos looked up from the floor and smiled brightly and bravely as a pair of all too familiar shining black combat boots appeared in front of his dark brown eyes. Yes, Tank was right. Ranger knew everything. _Everything_.

***"Huh?" "Survival is the ultimate law, Babe."**


	50. Chapter 49: There Will Be No Dawn for Orcs!

**Chapter 49: There Will Be No Dawn for Orcs!**

Joseph Morelli didn't know—and didn't care—who fired the first shot in the chaos. He was totally concentrating on escaping (Hey, he might be really very, very hairy, but he was not always that stupid!) from a fate worse than Hell. At the sight of Terry's Uzi, his caveman survival instinct had immediately kicked in. The moment the shooting began, he had already dropped to the ground and started crawling on all fours toward the nearest exit. He would get out of the church unnoticed like the shadow of the darkest night, silently Morelli snickered and swore to himself, he would dodge all the bullets and survive this hideous ordeal intact and unscratched, He would ran away from here like Heaven was on fire, and then he would do everything in his power to win his Cupcake back...

Joe Morelli suddenly froze, blinked, and collapsed flat to the ground as half a dozen perfectly aimed tranquilizer darts shot into his world famous hairy butt. Ranger lowered the dart gun, stared at Morelli's motionless body for a second, and walked over to check on Santos and Grandma with the elegance, ease and grace of a Siberian tiger in hunting mode. He was here for a mission, and he would see to it that no one got in his way.

5 minutes later, a heavily sedated Terry Gilman lay peacefully drooling on a wooden bench. The six darts were roughly jerked out of Morelli's hairy butt. The antidote was injected into him. And then in front of 267 now awed and well-behaved witnesses, the wedding resumed and ended in blissful peace and harmony under the supervision of Ranger and his men. The family, friends and guests all dutifully clapped and cheered as the leering bride kissed the soul out of her dazed lawful husband and proceeded to drag him back to her foul dark liar.

A hint of a barely there smile crept onto Ranger's perfect lips. No, the Dark Knight had not come here to save the world. He'd come here to make sure Morelli was officially married to Joyce Barnhardt. He never liked Morelli. And he especially hated it whenever he heard Morelli call Stephanie "Cupcake".


	51. Chapter 50: Frodo Baggins, Alone on Top of the Mount of Doom

**Chapter 50: Frodo Baggins, Alone on Top of the Mount of Doom**

Stephanie felt annoyed that she and Joyce the Skank had once again crossed paths in this particular and unpleasant kind of way. It was just like watching an extremely hideous scavenger taking your tattered dirty old sneaker in its mouth and triumphantly scurrying away. You knew you really didn't want the smelly shoe back, but nevertheless you still felt the compelling urge to throw something hard at the creature just to knock that nasty smile off its ugly face to make a point.

Upon hearing the happy news this morning via phone call from Mary Lou, Stephanie had blinked, frowned, and burst out giggling so hard that she'd dropped her third cinnamon apple muffin (organic, buckwheat, low-sugar, and made by the Great Magical Ella, of course) and collapsed into Ranger's arms gasping for air. When she'd finally calmed down enough to wipe away her gleeful tears and relate the whole story to Ranger, Stephanie had suddenly realized that she had talked about Morelli the whole time like he'd been no more than a faceless, nameless stranger she'd read in the Weird and Bizarre section of the paper. She hadn't felt sorry for Morelli. She hadn't cared if he would be happy. She hadn't even worried if he could survive his honeymoon or wedding night. She had not felt a thing, anything, for him at all. And she still didn't. She remembered all too clearly when she'd stopped having feelings about Joe Morelli. The night when Ranger had calmly walked into her apartment ready to die for her and Julie, Stephanie had been silently praying like crazy for hours. The moment she'd found out that it would be either Ranger or Morelli who'd be shot by Scrog, a realization had dawned on her, and she had made her choice.

"Let it be Morelli." She'd repeated again and again like a most devout witch chanting a most powerful spell. "Please let it be Morelli."

Her heart had then shattered into a zillion tiny pieces when Ranger had been shot and fallen onto her floor. She hadn't said a word to Morelli and had barely heard a word he'd said on the way to the hospital or afterward. She'd just shrugged his hand off when he'd tried to take her back to his house. There had been only one clear thought in her head: she'd been deeply in love with Ranger for God knows how long, and she was more than willing to sacrifice herself or anyone else to keep him safe and sound.

Stephanie snapped out of her memory and smiled as a familiar enchanting scent engulfed her senses and two muscular arms slipped around her waist from behind. She was really, really glad she'd had the courage to grasp Ranger's left hand and slip the beautiful, almost magical ring onto his finger while singing _Bad Romance_ that fateful night.


	52. Chapter 51: Gríma, Son of Gálmód, A Witless Worm Have You Become...

**Chapter 51: Gríma, Son of Gálmód, A Witless Worm Have You Become...**

Joseph A. Morelli was now one desperate, hopeless, and enraged man. Every bright cheerful beautiful sunny morning he woke up in the big round luxurious blood red water bed totally spent and exhausted beside a happy, contented, drooling Joyce cursing his fate and wishing he was dead. Every time he took a shower, he found new bruises and sore spots on his battered and tortured body. Everywhere he went, he could hear people snickering, snorting, choking on their snacks, spilling their drinks, murmuring prayers and crossing themselves behind his back. Grandma Bella dropped by every two days to check on Joyce's belly while chanting something in Latin. And that huge, angry and crimson bump on his hairy butt that eerily shaped like a happy cute Hello Kitty just wouldn't fade away.

Joe Morelli clenched his teeth and tightened his fists. Oh yes, he knew Manoso did it on purpose alright. What was the point shooting all six tranquilizer darts into his butt when one alone could do get the job done? He hadn't been a highly praised police detective for nothing, mind you. He was born and raised and grew up in this town. He had his sources and informants all around (Hey! Who said aunts and cousins and nosy neighbors didn't count). And now he was all too ready to make that crazy Cuban bastard pay for stealing his preciousssss Cupcake and trampling on his alpha-male dignity and pride.

He was Joe Morelli, the orthodox Italian Stallion of the whole East Coast. No women alive could ever escape or reject his charm. He knew Stephanie Plum like the back of his hand, and wasn't it great that he knew just the right trick to coax her to come to him in a blink of an eye? In the dusk of the evening, Morelli grinned a white tooth grin and burst into a fit of crazy, breathless, gasping laughter. Oh yes, he was so going to get his Preciousssssssss back...


	53. Chapter 52: The Dark Lord on His Dark Throne

**Chapter 52: The Dark Lord on His Dark Throne**

Ranger lay awake in the dead of the night inside his tastefully designed and decorated 7th floor penthouse apartment listening to the sound of Stephanie's even breathing. Once again she was lying on top of him, all soft, warm and naked(of course), sound asleep and drooling just a little bit. The temperature had suddenly dropped 20 degrees or so within the last 2 hours, and now he could hear heavy rain start pounding on the window panes. Slightly he tightened his arms around her as she stirred and murmured something in her sleep. A barely there smile crept onto his perfect lips as he wondered what the woman he loved was dreaming about. The heavenly, super moist, golden pineapple upside down cake her mother had tried like Hell to teach her to make this morning? Or the Tres Leches cake Ella had promised to teach her to make next week? Or...their Batbaby?

His smile then faltered as his finger tips felt the faint burned scar on her arm. He might be the top-notch, calculating and scheming mercenary who followed his own moral code and played by his own rules, but he was never a cold-blooded, heartless monster that took pleasure in unnecessary and meaningless torturing and killing. He still clearly remembered the look of surprise, shock and fear on the face of the first man he'd ever killed. A foreigner. A total stranger. An enemy. A young, 20-something fellow human being he'd been ordered to eliminate in the name of his country. He also remembered too well the pairs of dull unseeing dead deep brown eyes belonged to those men he'd shot in the faraway desert country to save Tank's and Lester's lives. He'd killed God knows how many people after that. He'd never hesitated to pull the trigger. He'd never known their names, their ages, or if they have loved ones anxiously waiting for their safe return in some unknown, remote, God-forsaken mountain villages, but he'd never one day forgotten the look of surprise and desperation on all those lifeless faces. Maybe that was the reason why he had chosen to put an end to his army life after watching his best friend die in front of his eyes. Maybe that was the reason why he'd chosen to go into her apartment and prepare to die. Maybe that was the reason why he'd said yes when she'd so timidly yet so bravely put the ring on his finger that night.

Gently Ranger placed a tender kiss on his wife's face and closed his eyes as the storm fell upon the sleeping city outside. Now that they were finally together, he would protect her no matter what. He would do anything to keep her safe. He'd never once regretted what he'd done to Eddie Abruzzi. And he would not hesitate to do it again.


	54. Chapter 53: Kill Bill?

**Chapter 53: Kill Bill?**

Bob Morelli was now one frightened, confused, and miserable dog. For the first time in his life, the big, friendly, orange dog was too terrified to drool, and did not feel like chewing on anything. He cowarded in a corner and couldn't stop trembling like a withered leaf in chilly autumn wind while the haggard, battered man murmured something to himself and once again started half gasping, half giggling. Bob didn't understand why the man'd brought him here. He had lived here for a while before, and knew this place like the back of his paw. But he hadn't been here for a long, long time. He did all he could to curl his 116-pound body into a small, tiny fur ball and whimpered when the man dialed the number and placed the call. Bob really, really wanted to go home. He missed terribly his nice warm bed, his new chew toys, his stern, kind Mamma Angie, and his crazier-than-a-rabid-vampire-bat but nevertheless funny and dog-loving Nana Bella. And he also missed his Master so, so much...

The big orange dog's fluffy ears perked up as he caught the familiar word and suddenly remembered all the lessons his great, wise Master had taught him. _Yes, Master,_ Bob sat up, nodded solemnly to himself and wiggled his bushy tail, _Grasshopper will always remember his priority and fulfill his duty. Always._


	55. Chapter 54: Eye in the Sky

**Chapter 54: Eye in the Sky**

The haggard, battered, half-crazed man finished leaving the message in the voicemail and smiled yet another sly vile toothy smile. Oh yes, he knew for certain that his ever-so-kind-hearted Precioussssss would come to him. He let out a bark of breathless, raspy laughter and heartily congratulated himself for being such a genius. His plan was perfect, effective, and simple. He had just begged and pleaded her(in his most sincere voice, mind you) to come save Bob from Joyce's evil claws. And once she arrived, he would sneaked out from his hiding place in the shadows, stun her, took that cheap, tacky ring off her finger, grab Bob, drive away into the setting sun until they reached some far, far away oasis, and build their Happily Ever After there together. A dog, a house(yes, with white picket fence), six cute kids, and a diamond ring. He would give her what every woman in the world so desperately needed...He then snapped out of his beautiful dreams as he heard the familiar sexy, powerful sound of her Porsche's engine, quickly hid himself in the shadows and held the stun gun at ready as the front door of Stephanie Manoso's old apartment slowly opened, and shrieked like a pig and dropped the stun gun when Bob the dog took a deep breath, channelled his inner hamster, and bit down hard on the hand that had once fed him.

 _Yes, Master Rex,_ the big orange but all of a sudden not so friendly dog smiled proudly to himself as he chewed on a screaming Joe Morelli's hand. _Grasshopper will always remember his priority and fulfill his duty and protect Stephanie! Always!_


	56. Chapter 55: The Palantir of Orthanc

**Chapter 55: The Palantir of Orthanc**

**Now, let's turn back the clock to 22.5 minutes ago.**

The group of tall, huge, muscular, fully-armed, black-clad men entered the 3-story building and approached their destination silently. The small, shabby 2nd floor apartment had been invaded, smashed, and firebombed for many, many times, and had been a major stalker and criminal attraction over the past few years. The 3 locks and the old security chain on the front door were worse than a real bad joke. Everyone from 8 to 80 and without the keys, with the only exception of the rightful tenant, could enter and leave the apartment freely at all hours with the help of one single hair pin. The blank-faced men knew this place like the backs of their firm, strong and more than sometimes lethal hands. The Ultimate Funhouse, some of their more adventurous brothers had nicknamed it, and the ever so fun-loving, trouble-seeking Santos had actually begged(like an eager wide-eyed puppy) to move in here to try his luck and have some fun.

The more rational, cautious RangeMan crew, on the other hand, simply wanted to keep a safe and discreet distance between themselves and the death trap where their brave, just and wise leader had almost lost his life months ago. They were not surprised that so far none of Stephanie's old FTAs or stalkers had come by and dropped in. Here in the beautiful peaceful city of Trenton, New Jersey, word travelled fast on the street, and criminals and psychopaths might be crazy, but definitely not stupid. Or suicidal. Everyone knew better than to mess with Ranger. And now that Stephanie Plum had officially become Mrs. Carlos Manoso, they all automatically steered clear out of her way, not unlike the Red Sea divided before Moses. Why? Because none of them had a death wish.

The Rangeman team quietly spread out on the both sides of the apartment door and waited for further instruction. Back in the 5th floor control room of the RangeMan building, the men on monitor duty watched the live video and audio feed of the sound-and-motion-activated surveillance system installed inside and outside of Stephanie's old apartment with sharp eagle eyes. Another RangeMan team climbed up the fire escape and were about to enter the bedroom via the window. Every one of the experienced, seasoned, confident, and cool warriors smiled to themselves as the sleek shining black Porsche Boxster pulled into the parking lot and stopped right in front of the entrance of the building.

Show time.


	57. Chapter 56: The Lone Dark Rider

**Chapter 56: The Lone Dark Rider**

Stephanie took one look at Ranger as he killed the engine of the Boxster and unbuckled his seat belt, and knew immediately that her husband wanted to damage Joe Morelli. Permanently. She reached out and took hold of Ranger's hand and felt the boiling rage simmering beneath his calm blank face cool down a bit. She then completely forgot what she had planned to say and was seriously tempted to moan dreamily when he turned to look at her with those beautiful intense midnight dark brown eyes and one slightly-raised perfect brow. How could a man be so beautiful and dangerous at the same time? Stephanie asked herself vaguely as the warmth coming from Ranger's hand washed through her whole being like relentless ocean waves. And how could a man be this perfect? She locked her eyes with him and did not remember to blink as he leaned in to kiss her lightly on her lips and rested his forehead against hers. "I won't kill him." Ranger said softly after a brief but blissful minute, and undid her seatbelt.

Stephanie wondered what Joe Morelli had in mind as she followed Ranger into her old apartment building. She was not surprised Ranger was so mad with Morelli. She knew just how annoying Morelli could be when he determined to be a real jerkass. She herself had wanted to beat him shitless for more times than she cared to remember in the past, and she'd thought Morelli would have moved on with his life like any sane adult and go search for his own Happily Ever After with Joyce now that they were married. She sighed and climbed up the stairs behind Ranger, and felt her heart quicken as she saw the fully-armed RangeMan crew on the both sides of her old apartment door.

They knew from the surveillance cameras that Morelli had a stun gun in his hand, but they couldn't be sure if he had any more weapons hiding on his body. Ranger had asked Stephanie to stay at RangeMan and out of harm's way, but she knew she had to be here. She might not have a clue what was going on inside Morelli's peanut-sized brain, but both she and Ranger—alright, Stephanie admitted reluctantly to herself and did an impeccable, standard Burg eye-roll, and everybody else in the whole freaking universe—knew without a trace of doubt that she was the root of all the troubles. And she was the only one who could solve the problem once and for all. She hoped with all her heart that no one would get hurt during the upcoming confrontation. She was worried for poor goofy friendly Bob. She was worried for the RangeMan crew. And she was so, so afraid that Ranger might get hurt. Because Ranger would be the one to open the door. She grasped hold of Ranger's black shirt just above his belt with both badly shaking hands and couldn't let go as he nodded to his men and silently walked toward the door.

 _Don't get shot._ Stephanie pleaded with her suddenly teary eyes and slowly let go.

 _Babe,_ the corners of Ranger's lips curled into a breathtaking warm smile. And he walked away from her without a backward glance, and opened the door.


	58. Chapter 57: Pedo Mellon A Minno

**Chapter 57: Pedo Mellon A Minno**

Joseph A. Morelli looked down and met the fierce, menacing eyes of his once friendly, playful but now viciously growling dog and immediately thought of the man-eating lions and Tasmanian Devils he'd seen on Animal Planet and became unreasonably frightened. He started jumping around, waving his free hand wildly in the air, and screamed so loud that even wounded pigs had to give him kudos. He was so engrossed in his own pain and terror that he was totally oblivious to his surroundings. He didn't notice Ranger entering the apartment and picking up the stun gun. He didn't notice the two fully-armed men in black coming out of the bedroom door. He didn't notice the raised brows and curled-up lips on the other RangeMan crew's faces. However, he did spot the plain, elegant ring on Stephanie's hand the moment she came inside and clinged to Ranger. His teary eyes then fell upon the identical wedding ring on Ranger's Mocha Latte finger, and saw red. All the humiliation, pain and suffer caused by his hateful archenemy and rival over the years rushed through his brain like tsunami and suddenly, he craved for revenge. He wanted to taste blood. Without thinking Morelli reached for the gun tucked in his waistband automatically*, and the world abruptly stopped around a wide-eyed Stephanie.

She thought of the long, agonizing hours she'd sat numbly in the ER waiting room praying for Ranger. She thought of the lonely nights she'd sat in her old bedroom at her parents' house hoping she'd had the courage to go to the hospital and stay by Ranger's side. She thought of the amused but tender look on Ranger's face when he'd told her "One Ranger is all you'll ever need". She thought of the magical moment she'd stood on the New York street outside the jewelry store gazing at the beautiful ring. She thought of Ranger's sparkling eyes when he'd pinned her to his bed and said "Yes, I do". She thought of their night in New York. She thought of their wedding in Vegas. She thought of all the time she'd wasted fooling around with Joseph Morelli. She thought of their unhealthy, sick relationship. She thought of all their nasty fights. She thought of all the hurtful things he'd yelled at her. She thought of the ugly grin on his face when he'd cuffed her to the shower curtain rod. She thought of his writings about her on the public bathroom walls. She thought of their trip to his father's dark isolated garage. And she was suddenly so furious that she couldn't think, and couldn't see...

Bob the Dog widened his eyes, let go out Morelli's bloody hand, and ran with his bushy tail between his legs straight out of the apartment door until he reached a far, far away dark corner, curled himself into a tiny ball, and started shaking like a pudding. He might be an ordinary family pet, but thanks to his Great Wise Master Rex, he now had the sharp wild animal instincts of a badass hamster. He knew what was coming, and no, thanks, but no, he really, really didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Bright afternoon light suddenly came back to Stephanie Manoso's world. She blinked slowly as if coming back from a strange, long dream. She had no idea why she felt oddly tired and exhausted, or why her throat was so terribly sore. She found that she was being carried out of her apartment building, and was gently placed into the passenger seat of her Boxster. She could vaguely hear someone wailing and screaming "Don't let her come near me!" in great pain and terror somewhere in the background. And the voice sounded quite familiar. "What happened?" Stephanie asked weakly when Ranger was about to start the car and headed back toward Haywood. "Babe," Ranger turned to look at Stephanie and lifted her bruised left hand to his warm smiling lips. "You roared like Wolverine and beat the crap out of Morelli."

*The Italian Stallion completely forgot that he'd left it inside his SUV parked right in front of the dumpster.


	59. Chapter 58: Moria

**Chapter 58: Moria**

Stephanie felt oddly and extremely happy, fulfilled, and complete as she sat on the couch watching Ranger tend to her bruised knuckles.

She might inherit her Italian Temper from her father's side of the family, but she had never been a violent person. She sometimes liked to consider herself a peace-loving person, and she hated and always tried to avoid all kinds of confrontation. She had planned to talk—nicely, mind you—some sense into Morelli's troll-thick skull and make him realize they should both move on and live their separate lives, though every cell in her body had been screaming for his blood.

Truth be told, Stephanie had felt just a tiny bit guilty about Morelli. Because, well, she had never really informed him of their final breakup. She'd just drifted away from him farther and farther each day after the Scrog incident. She had quickly stepped away when he'd tried to hook his finger into the neck of her top to peek inside. She had turned down his usual beer-pizza-Rangers-sex offers again, again, and again. She had ignored his charming smiles, melted chocolate bedroom eyes, and finally, his calls. She had tried her best to avoid him. She had sneaked into Pino's like a thief, grabbed her pizzas and subs, dropped the money on the counter, and bolted. She'd even climbed out of her bedroom window and run like Hell and spent the nights at Mary Lou's, Lula's, Val's, and her parents' when he'd suddenly come over and let himself in with cold beer and Pino's hot steaming cheesy pizzas with extra garlic.

She had tried all her might to be civil and polite. She hadn't wanted to make a scene in public _._ She'd just wanted to stay under the Burg Rumour Radar. She had prayed that Morelli would finally get the message. But somehow that one-minded fool had simply remained blind and deaf to all the signs. And she had finally snapped the moment his hand had reached toward the back of his waistband. She had known by instinct what Morelli had planned to do. She still had nightmares about the night sometimes. She still blamed herself for not being able to do anything except watching Ranger getting shot. She would rather die than see it happen again. And she would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to protect the man she loved.

Stephanie smiled and snuggled closer into Ranger as he pulled her into his arms and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. She then widened her eyes and couldn't help but giggle when Ranger flashed her his rare full on Zillion Dollar Smile.

"You've got a mean left hook, Babe."

Stephanie might still have no memory whatsoever of what had happened in her old apartment. She might just vaguely remember hearing someone roar and kind of feeling herself flying across the space between she and the Rat Bastard Morelli. But she knew without a trace of doubt that she would never hesitate to do whatever she had done again. Gladly.


	60. Chapter 59: A Sneak Peek Into The Battle of Helm's Deep

**Chapter 59: A Sneak Peek Into The Battle of Helm's Deep**

"Matser!" Bob the Dog, who now smelled like lavender, peppermint and parsley and once again started to drool, thundered like a warhorse into the modern, bright, spacious, well-equipped 7th floor kitchen, pressed his big wet nose eagerly against the cool clean glass of the aquarium, and happily wiggled his tail and, consequently, his whole body. "Grasshopper!" The chubby little hamster dropped his fresh blueberry, placed his two small front paws flat against the glass and twitched his tail in excitement. Rex had almost laughed his little butt off when learning about what had happened to the clueless hairy alpha-male wannabe. He felt extremely glad and relieved both his Mommy and Daddy were alright, but was now a little worried about TPD's future in crime fighting. He could only sincerely hoped that the cops would manage to catch all the bad guys with the two-bit not-very-bright detective dragging their feet.

The RangeMan crew had soon located a trembling Bob and decided to bring him back with them for a nice long bath and a hearty meal composed mainly of unseasoned boiled vegetables and healthy sandwiches. They had also brushed Bob's teeth thoroughly and carefully with antibacterial doggie toothpaste for 5 times. They had no doubt this dog had the amazing ability to chew up a custom-made reinforced RangeMan office chair in 5 minutes without blinking, but they really didn't want him to catch anything. It was Joe Morelli's blood, after all, and don't even mention Joyce Barnhardt, please. However, They would send Bob back to Grandma Bella after Stephanie made sure he was alright. Some of them had actually thought about keeping him, but they knew better than to separate a crazy old witch—er, sorry, a little old dog-loving lady from her goofy playful drooling pet. It was never wise to mess with scary women, and these seasoned, experienced and most fierce warriors had just winced and cringed like a bunch of teenage girls when they'd witnessed first-hand what an enraged pretty woman could do to a careless, brainless dumb bastard's sorry ass.

They knew Stephanie had been taking one-on-one self-defense lessons from Ranger and he had also taught her some basic martial art moves. But still they had been more than awed by her glassy eyes, inhuman war cry, nasty flying kicks, vicious slaps, and even more vicious backslaps and low pouches. But most of all, the had been really impressed by the mean left hook that had first broken Morelli's nose, and then knocked all his 4 front teeth loose. They'd all frozen on the spot and gaped like whales as a snarling Stephanie had proceeded to strangle a screaming, terrified Morelli. And had it not been for the ever-so-cool-and-composed Ranger, the cop would've died a most unpleasant and painful death right in front of their eyes in Stephanie's soft white slender hands. They had let out a collective sigh of relief the moment Ranger had pried his wife off the half-dead cop and carried her out of the almost crime scene. They all lived by the RangeMan Motto: Keep it simple, quick, and easy. And getting rid of a police detective, though not that hard and even relatively easy, could be a bit messy at times.

The RangeMan crew had left the apartment after calling the clean-up team and had dropped a still wailing and groaning Morelli on his bride's doorstep. They had then looked at each other and broken into hearty laughter when they'd stepped out of their sleek black SUVs in the underground garage. It took a very, very special and brave man to approach, love and marry a scary woman like Stephanie Plum. And they were really glad and extremely proud that the man happened to be their wise, fierce, generous, dedicated and fearless leader Ricardo Carlos Manoso, aka Ranger.


	61. Chapter 60: Don't Even Think of Messing With The Dark Lord

**Chapter 60: Don't Even Think of Messing With The Dark Lord**

Joseph A. Morelli wished with all his beaten heart and all his shattered soul that he could move to a small remote deserted island surrounded by swarms of sharks, giant squids, sea serpents, or any kind of man-eating, venomous marine monsters somewhere in the far away ocean. He needed the protection of all the above dangerous creatures to keep his worst nightmare out. But still, somewhere deep down in his broken being, he knew they might not be powerful enough to stop her from doing him a universe of harm. Yes, he was talking about Stephanie Plum—or Manoso, or whatever, Hell, he really didn't care that much, not anymore, he swore. The moment Morelli had watched in total terror a ferociously growling Stephanie fly toward him, he had finally and suddenly realized two very important facts. One, he and Stephanie were definitely never meant for each other. And two, Morelli couldn't help but cringe and whimper as he remembered how the scenes of his life had flashed so quickly before his horrified eyes, he really, really regretted the day he'd first ever met Stephanie Plum.

What they'd ever had between them was nothing but a most terrible mistake and a biggest error. Now he saw the wrong of his ways. He totally understand the importance of respecting a woman's wishes and her personal space. He would stay as far away from her as possible. He would accepted his rightful place and quietly live the rest of his life in his small peaceful dark corner. He just wanted to keep his nose and teeth intact. He just wanted to remain in one piece without losing his limbs and...you know, any appendage. He just wanted to stay alive. He just didn't want to die...

Trenton police detective Joe Morelli then shrieked like a frightened rat, jumped half way into the sky and ran for his precious life without a backward glance in extreme and absolute panic upon hearing the raspy sound once again coming from behind while his fellow officers and detectives spewed their coffee, tea, Kool-aid, Mountain Dew, Pepsi and Coke and ROFLMAOed. Yes, they knew it was childish, but they simply couldn't resist it. They were just normal fun-loving human beings like everyone else. And it was way too fun to watch Trenton's very own Hairy Italian Stallion break apart like an extra crispy cannoli whenever someone whispered "Ssssstephanie" behind him...


	62. Chapter 61: The Two Towers

**Chapter 61: The Two Towers**

The Manosos and the Plums finally met over dinner in a nice and quiet Thai restaurant. Unsurprisingly, the six elders of the two families soon become friends. It did not take long for Juan Carlos Manoso and Frank Plum to start talking enthusiastically about Linsanity, Yankees, and German cars over their food. Their wives, on the other hand, both looked suspiciously and nervously at the unfamiliar foreign dishes Ranger ordered for everybody before finally started eating bravely, and soon started discussing about the ingredients of the fascinating cuisine. The two Grandmas had hit it off pretty fast and spent the most of the evening chatting happily in limited English and Spanish, with the help of Ranger and Stephanie, about Voodoo, great grandchildren and open-casket viewings. The siblings of the happy young couple had wanted very much to come along, but neither of the two mothers had wanted to bring in the whole circus to complicate things further. Therefore, a sulking Valerie Kloughn had gotten one golden pineapple upside down cake, one super moist chocolate layer cake, and five dozens freshly baked assorted cookies as compensation, while Ranger's older sisters and brother had quickly backed down after an extremely meaningful stare from their stern mother.

However, the five senior citizens had one goal in common. Their experienced and seasoned eyes lingered on Ranger and Stephanie with great longing from time to time during dinner. They were both healthy, energetic but already in their early thirties, and the clock would definitely not stop ticking. There was no reason for them not to start having babies immediately. They knew without a trace of doubt these two would have beautiful babies, and, somehow, they all secretly wished for a little boy—a boy with silky smooth straight dark hair. A boy with twinkling, shining eyes. A boy with his father's rare enchanting smile but hopefully without his mother's bizarre ability to blow up cars and houses and attract all kinds of crazy stalkers and weird disasters. Yes, they knew this young couple loved their freedom and enjoyed immensely their time alone, but they also knew for a fact that when there was a will, there would always be a way. Always. If you tried and prayed and wished and hoped and implied hard enough.

Stephanie Manoso remained oblivious to her surroundings and ate her fourth helping of the ultra delicious coconut pudding happily, and totally didn't see her ever so sharp and alert husband raise a brow at the two Grandmas, fathers and moms with a hint of smile on the tips of his perfect lips. And that very night, when Stephanie nestled in Ranger's arms peacefully asleep, she once again dreamed of the beautiful little Batbaby...


	63. Chapter 62: The Lord Of The Rings

**Chapter 62: The Lord Of The Rings**

Ranger woke up as the day broke thinking of Julie. It was not the first time he had dreamed about the daughter he'd never really had. She was one of the beneficiaries of his will. He was the name on her birth certificate and the one who paid child support and now her therapy bills. And that was all. Ron Martine was her father through and through, and Ranger didn't want to changed that. He didn't want to upset Rachel and her parents any further, and he also didn't want the now 11-year-old girl to get confused. But still he remembered the 10-month-old baby girl's warmth and weight the first time ever he'd held her in his arms. She was so tiny, so fragile, yet so strong and so powerful. He sometimes regretted he hadn't had another choice at that time, and he was deeply touched and thrilled to know that his only child had openly acknowledged that he was her father, and actually loved him.

He thought of the expectation and longing in Grandma Rosa's eyes when she'd kissed him goodbye the previous night, and let out a soft sigh. He'd also seen the silent pleading in his parent' eyes. But was he ready for another child? He snapped from his thoughts as Stephanie mumbled and turned in her sleep and slung an arm and a leg over him. He gently took hold of her hand and lift it to his lips for a soft, lingering kiss. He might have the weight and the muscle, he thought to himself as his fingers toyed with her wedding ring, but she'd got the power, all the power.

And maybe it was time to find out if Stephanie really wanted to become a mother

 


	64. Chapter 63: Journey On To Light The Day

**Chapter 63: Journey On To Light The Day**

_So this is what being a grown-up matured sensible prudent adult feels like._ Stephanie Manoso told herself. _Calm. Assertive. Ready and willing to make tough life decisions and take full responsibility for your own choices. S_ he kind of enjoyed this particular but nevertheless not-so-familiar feeling. She truly did. But still, she couldn't help feeling just a tiny bit scared, intimidated, and uncertain. She knew she would never be as brave or determined as Ranger, but it would be really, really nice if she could have a little more courage and wisdom to make all the right decisions. She had already made enough—if not too much—mistakes and wasted too much time and chances in her life, and she didn't want to have any more regrets. She couldn't afford to.

So she closed her eyes, took a long, deep breath, and as images of her life flashed through her mind in lightning speed, started thinking. She then opened her sky-clear blue eyes 113 seconds later, looked into her husband's serene midnight dark brown eyes, and calmly assertively bravely yet dazedly told him, "Let's have a baby".


	65. Chapter 64: The Mirror of Galadriel

**Chapter 64: The Mirror of Galadriel**

Helen Plum fainted. Nothing surprising there, really. It was what good old-fashioned mothers did all the time, an honest old habit taught by their mothers.

Yes, Helen was thrilled that her younger daughter, who now finally had another wedding ring around her finger, was ready and committed to have a baby. However, all her happiness and excitement barely lasted 5 seconds before reality struck her like a lightning bolt and made her drop to the floor in a dead faint like a piece of lifeless log. Helen blinked slowly as she regained consciousness in Frank's arms, and almost fainted again as every imaginable kind of anxiety and worry came running back to her with a gleeful cheer. Helen took a long deep breath to calm herself. Yes, that fact that Stephanie was going to have a baby was the cause of her fainting.

It was not that Helen did not trust or had no faith in her own daughter. She was so glad that the sometimes too childish Stephanie had finally grown up and matured enough to make such an important life decision. Nevertheless, though Helen had all the confidence in Ranger's ability to take the most excellent and best care of Stephanie and the yet to be conceived Batbaby, she was still worried to no end.

 _Let's face it._ the practical and rational Helen who popped out in her head every once in a while like Mary Poppins told herself nonchalantly. _It was Stephanie's strange Karma/tendency to attract weirdos, criminals and crazies and ignite both extremely flammable and inflammable things that frightened us._ _And sometimes there's just not much a mom can do except expect the worst and be as ready and prepared as we can._

She let out a silent sigh as she took another sip of the hot strong sweetened tea—Nope, there's no Wild Turkey in it—Frank handed her and gave him a small smile as the stern and clear, determined voice in her head continued. _Just keep in mind that impossible is nothing. Who knows, maybe our grandchild will arrive without any major drama or incident..._

 ** _Yeah, right._** Helen rudely interrupted and did a perfect Burg eye roll at herself. **_And my daughter is not Stephanie Plum._**


	66. Chapter 65: Lembas

**Chapter 65: Lembas**

Babies are just like cats. They are nowhere to be seen when you call for them in your sweetest voice. They then drop out of sky and land on your face when you're sound asleep in your bed and thus scare you awake.

Helen Plum once again smoothed her hair and the respectable floral dress with a nervous hand before putting a smile on her rigid face. ** _Helen's Kitchen_** had become a YouTube sensation ever since the pilot episode, but she was still camera shy no matter how hard her mother, Lester and Hector tried to make her relax. It was Albert who'd suggested Helen to start her own online cooking show. The whole family and even some of Ranger's men had most enthusiastically offered their help and support. They'd all known that Helen'd had to do something to distract herself from constantly worrying about Stephanie's upcoming pregnancy before finally losing it. And the plan worked perfectly. Helen'd stopped losing sleep and having nightmares almost immediately, and the RangeMan crew got to eat something other than Ella's delicious but oh too healthy salads and sandwiches from time to time.

Joyce Morelli gave birth to a pair of twin little girls who couldn't look more different than each other 9.7 months after her wedding. Angelina, the elder of the twins, looked kind like a pony while Sophia looked somewhat like a weasel. But, of course, no one in the beautiful city of Trenton had the heart or nerve or death wish to point this out to an overjoyed Grandma Bella. _A child is a child_ , they reasoned and nodded in silent agreement, _and sometimes it really doesn't matter who the bio-dad is._ Detective Joseph A. Morelli, now a world-class expert in changing diapers and bottle feeding at the dead of night and the crack of dawn, had been trying like crazy to flee Trento—er, to transfer to another city, but so far had no luck. And yes, he still jumped and yelped should you hiss "Sssstephen King" or "Sssstevie Nicks "behind him, and he also tended to duck and cover whenever one certain sleek black Porsche Boxster flew past the street in front of him.

 _Being a mother can be a lifetime burden or a life sentence_. Helen thought to herself as she started teaching her audience how to make mouth-watering veggie lasagna and ultra tasty eggless cupcake. Babies were just like cats. Maybe if she stopped worrying so much for Stephanie and the baby and everything, the beautiful little boy she had one night dreamed about would finally come back to pay her a visit...


	67. Chapter 66: Annon Edhellen, Edro Hi Ammen!

**Chapter 66: Annon Edhellen, Edro Hi Ammen!**

Stephanie slowly woke up to the faint sound of clothes rustling coming from the far side of the bedroom, and immediately knew that Ranger was preparing to leave for yet another typical RangeMan late-night mission. She slid gingerly out of the heavenly king size bed, walked toward the closet and wrapped her arms around Ranger's waist from behind.

She had been eating all kinds of right and healthy food. She had been taking exercise regularly. She'd also had plenty of sleep and rest and, of course, much, much more than a lot of ** _fun_ ** with Ranger for the past months. She knew she was ready and prepared to become a mother. But, truth be told, she couldn't help feeling a little bit worried and frightened. She tried hard not to put more pressure on herself. She tried hard not to ask herself "What if". She tried hard not to picture the image of a whale-like Valerie gulping down gravy and anything edible within her reach. She tried extra hard to erase the foul smell of dirty diapers and soured milk and the never-ending soul-piercing screams from her memory. She tried to concentrate her thoughts on the photos of Ranger as a beautiful baby and an adorable toddler. She tried to concentrate her thoughts on the chances of giving birth to a child just like Ranger. She tried to recall the face of the cute little boy in her dreams whenever she was scared and nervous, and as if by magic, she would calm down soon afterward.

She tightened her embrace and buried her face into Ranger's broad, muscular back. She knew he only had one or two minutes at most to get ready, but she needed to absorb as much warmth and strength from him to keep her strong and unafraid while he was somewhere out there in the darkness ridding the world of sickos and criminals and making it a better place.

"Don't get shot." She bravely fought off all her unnecessary worries and unreasonable fears and let out an almost pleading whisper.

Ranger stopped whatever he was doing and gently held Stephanie's hands in his for a fraction of a brief second before quickly and efficiently finished his preparations, and turned around to face her with a hint of smile on his lips. "Babe," He gave her a lingering tender kiss and left to join his men.

Downstairs in the underground garage, the RangeMan crew patiently waited for their leader. These experienced, loyal, smart and fierce warriors had every intention and would do whatever it took to make sure everyone of them came back safe and sound, intact and without a scratch. They nodded and quietly got into their shining black SUVs as Ranger arrived and gave them the last minute instructions. They, too, were waiting for the arrival of the Batbaby, and yes, the betting pool had already most extremely discreetly and silently started.

43 minutes and 17 seconds later, the 2 unconscious high bond FTAs had already been cuffed, chained and secured inside two RangeMan SUVs and on the way to TPD. The rest of the RangeMan crew were just about to go up to their 4th floor apartments when the hot-blooded danger-seeking but not-so-bright daredevil in charge of the top-secret betting pool got smacked hard on the back of his head. They cringed and waited for their turn to come.

Yes, Ranger knew everything. Everything.


	68. Chapter 67: Mornie Alantië

**Chapter 67: Mornie Alantië**

It was just another ordinary day. The sun was lazily up in a grayish blue and a little cloudy sky. Maybe it was because of the light, refreshing breeze, the infamous Jersey air was not particularly bad. Everything was calm and quiet, and somehow the people of this city were less noisy and impolite as they were supposed to be. The fog that had suddenly dropped upon Trenton around midnight last night had silently departed just before daybreak. And the little new life that had come along stayed and started to grow inside his mother's womb.

It was nearly 26 days later when his father first detected the early signs. How his nervous and overexcited mother managed not to drop the pregnancy test kit from her shaking hand remained a mystery. Upon hearing the happy news, one of his great grandmothers broke into a bright happy smile and praised the Almighty while the other whooped and did a happy dance. His grandfathers started thinking for baby names and picturing reading books, watching baseball games and walking hand in hand in a park with him. His grandmothers, both practical and experienced mothers and housewives, immediately began making necessary plans and arrangements while his mother's friends and sidekick started fighting for the glorious post of godmother. Weirdos, criminals and crazies of the city fled like panicked rats at the sight of his mother's brand new 2012 Cayenne V6. Every single one of the still slightly bruised participants of the no-longer-top-secret-and-now-operating-under-silent-permission-and-strict-regulations betting pool waited eagerly and excitedly for his first ultrasound picture to arrive. And inside the also brand new 3 story hamster palace now located at a quiet spot in the living room, the chubby little hamster dreamed and hoped and prayed for a baby brother...


	69. Chapter 68: The Crownless Again Shall Be King

**Chapter 68: The Crownless Again Shall Be King**

The days went by almost in a blur for Stephanie. She slept a lot, puked a lot, peed a lot, cried and laughed for no apparent reasons at all a lot, and craved for fresh fruits, green vegetables and Ranger everyday and every night. She dozed off when listening to classical music. She felt nervous and a bit silly when talking to the baby. She stared in awe at the imagine of the baby on the ultrasound screen but didn't burst into tears. She put on weight but thankfully did not turned into a whale. She gave Tank a bear hug when she saw the custom and handmade teddy bear he ordered from Germany for her child. And on that bright summer day, she didn't yell, scream or cuss at Ranger during contractions, and was eerily calm when their son finally arrived after 22 hours of labour.

Creamy, light milk-caramel skin. Soft red lips. Stephanie looked down at the little boy in her arms and prayed he wouldn't have her crazy hair. And no, she smiled against Ranger's lips as he bent down to kiss her lovingly, little Carlos didn't look like a baby monkey.

**~The Grand Ending~**

 


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